What I Know Now: A Letter to Myself (circa 12, 30, 2007)

Dear Kendall,

Hi Kendall, it's me Kendall. Sorry for the weirdness (although you really should be used to it at this point) but I've always wanted to use that line. Figure now would be my best chance.

Right now you are just beginning the road to recovery. You are just starting to deal with Rosie's death and are nowhere close to dealing with Gabi's. You still have nightmares of what you have gone through. You still think of yourself as trash.

But despite all that, you have not broken. You bent but it's like Tinkerbell told us. We're too stubborn to ever let anything break us. You want to be redeemed. You were all ready forgiven, now we just need to forgive ourselves for the wrong we've done.


You have quite the year ahead of you and you are about to meet some of the most wonderful people with some interesting times ahead.

You're going to be a teacher to a group of funny, sweet, mildly exasperating 6 year-olds among whom are a girl who will try and figure out how to make you a pet. A boy who is the first grade's answer to a ladies' man. And a girl who when she grows up, could easily become one of the most influential women in the world.

You're going to learn how to play guitar and in June will play with Pippi in front of a crowd of about 150. No, I'm not shitting you. And you are even going to sing. I'll wait for you to come back to consciousness before continuing.

Awake yet?

Good.

You know those blog things you've heard about? Well after a suggestion from Tink to write down your life story, you start one. Who would want to read it you ask? Quite a few, actually. Not sure how many actually read this. You even read other peoples' and have become friends with some.

You're even going to fall in love with someone again. You all ready know her but you two are about to become close. Her daughter will even begin to see you as her papa and as much as you fight it you'll see her as your own in return. It will start with you two studying for your upcoming psychology class together and then you'll start hanging out. Then in the summer, [Imogen] will duck out of a clubbing adventure as she has grown tired of you dancing around each other.

At this point, you're wondering what happens with Tinkerbell. In fact, I'm willing to put money down on the fact that you are now convinced that you did something to fuck up again. You did not, I promise. You two will go through a dark period over the summer but eventually things will work themselves out. A word of warning now though, do not EVER apologize for her loving you. The results won't be pretty.

We have come a long way, my friend and we still have so very far left to go.

Just remember this: "Love yourself—accept yourself—forgive yourself—and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things."

So in closing, chin up. Remember to eat every day, it's hard I know but we are losing weight a bit too quickly. Try not to take the world's problems onto your shoulder, I know you still will as it is ingrained into who we are but I have to try. Accept the happiness in your life, we do deserve it if we merely let ourselves feel. And I will see you in the mirror soon.

The future is looking bright, my friend.

Sincerely,

Kendall, age 20.92