Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The Day The Innocence Died

Eating lunch with a group of my Bio classmates, we somehow stumbled upon the topic of frat parties and date rape. The girls shared about how they never let their drinks out of their sight while us guys talked about keeping an eye on our female friends. The conversation had moved to more pleasant subjects when one jackass from the table over makes the comment that any one stupid enough to be raped, had it coming.

Please allow me to explain something. I think rapists are the scum of the earth along with child abusers and murderers. So when this guy said this as if it was common sense, I had to fight down the urge to throw down right there. Thankfully, The Ginger had to have a death grip on my wrist so I wouldn't make a move.

In the urge to protect one of my secrets, I quickly calmed myself down. Apparently not quick enough. The Ginger pulled me around the corner and asked why I took what that guy said so personally. I felt exposed. I stamped out (barely) the tremor in my voice as I told her that it was personal to me.


Well because I know how it feels to be on the receiving end. One day in the early fall of 1996, my innocence was obliterated behind a neighboring house. I was held down by four guys who decided to have some fun with the kid who thought he could run his mouth to them.

Two things I took away from that experience.

  1. Adults are useless. I remember going home and doing what I could to clean myself. I remember my mom asking how my day was. I said it was OK. Showing just how much she knew her oldest child, she believed me. I think that's when I gave up on her.
  2. Sex is pain. I was terrified of sex for most of my life. I thought of myself as used goods until Tinkerbell held me and told me that couldn't be farther from the truth. I was stunned. She knew I had been raped and still thought I was worth something? I'm sad to say but it made no sense to me that she would not turn me away at that point. That night, I got over my fear of physical intimacy for good.That night, I finally cried.
For so many years I carried so much rage in me. No 8 year-old should ever know what it is like to want to see someone dead. I did not share this with anyone until I was 19 and I didn't share the full story until I was almost 20. Then with Tinkerbell's help, I learned to let go of the hate and forgive them. Which was far more difficult than it sounds.

No one ever ASKS to be raped and to think such tripe goes beyond ignorance into inhumane territory. If you yourself are a victim of rape or any type of sexual abuse, I urge you to seek help somewhere either from a professional or from a highly trusted friend or relative.

You are not alone.

You are not worthless.


Remember There Is Help...There Is Hope.


  1. I don't know what else to say other than I'm sorry you had to know about this first hand. =( No child should ever have to learn what you did.

  2. My God, Sweetheart, the more I know about you, the more amazing I think you are. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm so sorry the adults in your life didn't take care of you. I'm so glad you found someone eventually to help you deal with the trauma. I'm so happy you have so much love in your life now (and you do know that's because of the person YOU are, right?)... XO

  3. Hugs. I know that was hard to write.

    (I like the new look around here, too.)

  4. You are true strength. Thank you for sharing, Kendall.

  5. Mindy - No one should have to learn what I did, whether they're 8 or 48.

    Diane - I am nothing special, were it not for those like Tinkerbell and later others I would not have made it through the shitstorm that has been my life.

    Tricia - Yes Ma'am, it was.

    Katie - I am only has strong as the people who helped me through this. They're the strong ones.

  6. NEVER say you're nothing special! You came through the shitstorm, with help, yes (but who among us can say we got to where we are with NO help?). You could have blown off any help offered; you could have retreated into yourself; you could have turned into a bitter, angry man who cares about no one but himself (and trust me, I know just how possible this is). But you didn't, did you? No. You turned into a man who lives to care for the people he loves; who revels in helping children reach their potential. THAT, my friend, is an AMAZING man! Do not EVER discount yourself, EVER. Or I will have to come back to NC and kick your ass. And don't think I won't do it either. Damn it.

  7. I agree with Diane. I think you are amazing. You have been through so much yet you have turned out to be such a loving, thoughtful, & intelligent person. This is all evident from your blog. I am so sorry you ever had to go through that. I am so glad Tinkerbell helped you get over your fear of god I am speechless honestly, to know of someone that experienced this firsthand. You really are amazing. *Hugs*

  8. Diane - Sorry it's almost an ingrained response. I've come a long way from thinking I was trash (such fun times). When I fully shared my history with Eva, her first question was "how have you stayed sane through that?" Thanks for telling me to get my head out of my ass. For some reason, the fact that you cared enough to do so actually made me tear up.

    J - Thank you dear. I'm glad I'm not being judged. I suppose it does speak well that I am who I am despite my life. *returns the hug*

  9. OK, you're forgiven. So you know, though, I've shined up my ass-kickin' shoes... should they be necessary in the future ;)

  10. I admire you for writing about things like this. It's not the light and airy blog posts that most of us are familiar with. This kind deserves comments and hugs.

    Like the others, I am so sorry that you had the experience you did.

  11. i know what it feels like to be you.

    i was sexually abused as a kid too.

    i'm glad to see another person come out of it okay.

  12. This is Mel from over at Diane's...My heart broke for you when I read this, but it soars for you too because...just because. (And, Diane's right. She's ALWAYS right.)

  13. Diane - Thanks for forgiving me. I'd keep those somewhere close by, knowing me they'll be needed before long.

    ARW - At first I was unsure if I could even write about this but I must admit, I felt relieved afterwards. Thanks for the hug and compliment.

    Jess - It is always good to know I am not alone. *hugs*

    Mel - Believe me Ma'am, I don't intend to argue with her again anytime soon.

  14. You ARE special, and not just because you're Kendall.

    You are one brave, open, bold man. You are an inspiration.

    There aren't many men like you out there. You are truly wise and strong. Please know that.

  15. I still haven't had the guts to post about my own rape on my blog. I think it's awesome that you've put this out there. HUGS.

  16. Thank you for sharing this with us. Know that your words and your courage are making a difference to anyone who reads this.
    Thank you

  17. It really sucks that there are such fucking sick people out there. I know where you come from with all that crap, and I feel murderous when I hear people making it sound like it's the victim's fault.

  18. Erin - It'll happen when you're ready and not a second before. Mine was actually relevant that day so I tried to wrap my mind around the idea of sharing it.

    Anita - If I'm made a difference to at least one person, then I've done what I set out to do.

    Shelly - I agree. Completely.

  19. *massive hug*

    You are very precious.
    You are a a bloody clever individual.
    I am amazed by your writing.



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