All Good Things...

Dear Friends,

"Writing is an exploration, you start from nothing and learn as you go." - E. L. Doctorow

And that statement is true. I look back at some of my early writings back in October and cringe a bit. At the time I didn't know what I wanted to say. I basically wrote whatever randomly popped into my head but it didn't mean anything.

I like to mix the lighthearted and heartwarming with the mildly tragic or rage-inducing. This is how I choose to share myself with all of you.

I started this blog on September 28, 2008 and in the past four months I have met some amazing people. You were kind, you commented, you gave advice, you shared my triumphs and my heartbreaks. You became my friends and each of you is precious. And in return for me letting you into my life, you gave me snapshots of yours.

I never would have believed that I could care so much about a group of people I have never met in person. That their lives could evoke honest-to-God emotion in me. I've laughed, I've cried, I've wondered what loony bin some of you escaped from, and I've been blessed with the knowledge that such wonderful human beings exist in the world.

It is very hard to earn my respect and admiration. Congratulations on accomplishing this feat.

But it is with a rather heavy heart that I bid farewell to Blogger. This site has become like my internet home but like all ducks, I must fly south for the winter.

Now as I would like to go out with a bang, I'm asking for your help. My last post here will be an interview conducted by all of you.

Yes, you.

If there are any questions you would like to ask like (what's your most embarrassing moment or why do you put the letter 'u' in weird places?). Must say that if you want to tell me just how much I rock (I practically ooze humility, don't I?) then that's fine too. Ask your questions in a comment or email and I'll answer on Monday for my LAST BLOGGER POST! It'll be published about 10 PM EST that day so stay tuned.

Marching to the beat of my own drum one last time,

Kendall (The Odd Duck)

What I Know Now: A Letter to Myself (circa 12, 30, 2007)

Dear Kendall,

Hi Kendall, it's me Kendall. Sorry for the weirdness (although you really should be used to it at this point) but I've always wanted to use that line. Figure now would be my best chance.

Right now you are just beginning the road to recovery. You are just starting to deal with Rosie's death and are nowhere close to dealing with Gabi's. You still have nightmares of what you have gone through. You still think of yourself as trash.

But despite all that, you have not broken. You bent but it's like Tinkerbell told us. We're too stubborn to ever let anything break us. You want to be redeemed. You were all ready forgiven, now we just need to forgive ourselves for the wrong we've done.


You have quite the year ahead of you and you are about to meet some of the most wonderful people with some interesting times ahead.

You're going to be a teacher to a group of funny, sweet, mildly exasperating 6 year-olds among whom are a girl who will try and figure out how to make you a pet. A boy who is the first grade's answer to a ladies' man. And a girl who when she grows up, could easily become one of the most influential women in the world.

You're going to learn how to play guitar and in June will play with Pippi in front of a crowd of about 150. No, I'm not shitting you. And you are even going to sing. I'll wait for you to come back to consciousness before continuing.

Awake yet?

Good.

You know those blog things you've heard about? Well after a suggestion from Tink to write down your life story, you start one. Who would want to read it you ask? Quite a few, actually. Not sure how many actually read this. You even read other peoples' and have become friends with some.

You're even going to fall in love with someone again. You all ready know her but you two are about to become close. Her daughter will even begin to see you as her papa and as much as you fight it you'll see her as your own in return. It will start with you two studying for your upcoming psychology class together and then you'll start hanging out. Then in the summer, [Imogen] will duck out of a clubbing adventure as she has grown tired of you dancing around each other.

At this point, you're wondering what happens with Tinkerbell. In fact, I'm willing to put money down on the fact that you are now convinced that you did something to fuck up again. You did not, I promise. You two will go through a dark period over the summer but eventually things will work themselves out. A word of warning now though, do not EVER apologize for her loving you. The results won't be pretty.

We have come a long way, my friend and we still have so very far left to go.

Just remember this: "Love yourself—accept yourself—forgive yourself—and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things."

So in closing, chin up. Remember to eat every day, it's hard I know but we are losing weight a bit too quickly. Try not to take the world's problems onto your shoulder, I know you still will as it is ingrained into who we are but I have to try. Accept the happiness in your life, we do deserve it if we merely let ourselves feel. And I will see you in the mirror soon.

The future is looking bright, my friend.

Sincerely,

Kendall, age 20.92

Bienvenido a Los Gemelos Nuevos

You two have no idea how much excitement has surrounded your arrival. It seems like it's been a lot longer than seven months since I found out about you. Now I get to meet you in person instead of talking to your mom's tummy like I did back in May.

As soon as I heard about you two showing up, early I might add, I cleared my schedule for this weekend and fully intend to wake up Friday before dawn and make the 12-plus hour drive to meet you in person. Speaking of being early, are we sure you're Mami's kids? This is the woman who once told me, "I'm never late. I arrive exactly when I mean to."

But I digress.

I can't wait until you two are older and we can really hang out. This is part of why I hate that Mami lives so far away now. I can't see you all as often as I would like but you had best believe that whenever I have the chance, you'll see that green Nissan pull up outside your window. When you're teenagers, maybe you'll just fly down on your own to stay with me while I (try as I may to deny it to your mom) will probably spoil you rotten.

I think I'm entitled.

Oh and I feel sorry for you Little Miss I, because you get me as a big brother figure, and when I want to, I can intimidate people. A skill I intend to use should any boy you deign to date not measure up. But don't worry, I'm pretty sure that will be unnecessary. But before you get excited and assume you're off the hook, I have to burst your bubble. Any boy you date has to deal with Mami first and any one who can pass her scrutiny will pass my muster. Little Mister G, same goes with you and girls. Just pray your mom is NOT the one who gives you the talk.

Next Christmas you two will be close to one year old and I have all ready seen some little Santa hats that would be adorable on you. Your mom and R will have you dressed up as elves, it's amazing how funny that is now that someone else is going to be subjected to that instead of myself. We'll sing songs while you two babble some of the words and generally make everyone's hearts melt around you.

When you two graduate from high school and later college, I will be there. Tissues in one hand and camera in the other. I'll be fit to burst with pride, love, happiness, and just a little bit of sadness. It was bad enough watching Mil graduate from high school, seeing you two walk across that stage will mean you are getting older. That so very much time has passed since the time I saw you as little more than a bump under Mami's shirt.

Your mom, along with her wife, took in a quasi-neglected 8 year-old boy and now a bit over 12 years later has asked that same boy to take on the role of godfather to you two. It meant more than I know how to vocalize just how much that meant to me. Me and Mami have been through a lot, the past year has been full of tears and no small amount of anger but we're passed it now. Here's my first lesson to you, you and your family will fight. It's inevitable. However, don't ever doubt they love you. Any of us would give our right arm for you. And each other for that matter.

One day you'll be grow up, go to school, get jobs, maybe get married, maybe have children of your own. I can only hope that throughout all that you stay true to yourselves, be happy, never become so busy you fail to consider the hearts of others, and most importantly, remember that I love you.

I promise here and now that I will do everything in my power to do right by you both. It seems fitting that your mom taught me to have faith in family and now I get to return the favour to you two. Full circle and all that.

Welcome to the world little ones, it's a brighter place with you in it.

Lovingly yours,

Kendall

P. S. I make no promises about not embarrassing you too much. I will take exorbitant amounts of pictures whenever I see you, I expect a dance with Little Miss I should she ever get married, and childhood stories will be told to any significant other. Sorry kids, it's all part of my job description.

To Mr. Kris Kringle, A Thank You

Dear Santa,

I know, I know. You must be wondering why I'm writing again when I just wrote that letter earlier in the week. Well since I just posted about appreciated things while you still have them I would feel remiss if I did not thank you.

Me and Eva have had several long talk and as of approx. 6 PM today, we are back together. I spent part of Christmas morning with her and Daybreak before heading to The Godmother's and later on in the day at her mom's who then insisted I stay for a while.

I found myself started to question if I was right during the summer. If needing people was only inviting trouble. But I would like to think I have felt all I have just to prove that my younger self was wrong. That I cannot make it through life without others. I would be lying through my teeth if I said I wasn't miserable.

Now seeing as how Mami will be giving birth soon, I can only pray that you make it two for two.

Humbly yours,

Kendall

Wednesday Workshop: My Christmas Wishlist

Sorry for the serious lack of posting as of late folks, between trying to do well on my exams on top of the...well, the end of me and Eva's relationship my heart hasn't really been set on blogging. So hopefully this week's assignment from Mama Kat will improve my mood some.

1.) Write or share a letter to Santa

5...4...3...2...1...

Dear Santa,

I must first apologize for the long communications blackout. I lost my faith in your magic when I was 6 and I suppose I'm trying to find it again. I would like to hope you remember the kid who along with his little sister would leave you a PB & J sandwich along with a mug of chilled milk. After all, you have to know the address of every little kid in the world, so I figure it's not too much a long shot.

Normally this would be the part where I tell you what I want for Christmas. I'm a tad bit old for toys despite the saying about "boys and their toys", although I have to be honest and admit that a Macbook would not be unappreciated.

What I want can be summed up in two items:

One, I want Mami to go through a safe and successful labour and for Los Gemelos Nuevos to be born as a healthy little boy and girl. She has lost too much as is and I want my little brother and sister/godchildren to grow up, be happy in what they do, and give me nieces and nephews to spoil.

Two, and I know this one is a biggie, I want to be able to keep my promise to Daybreak and see her on Christmas. Consider it my last request as her father figure.

If I can have those two things then I would be entirely satisfied Mr. Kringle.

Please and Thank You,

Kendall A.

A Letter To Eva

Dear Eva,

Six months ago tomorrow, you lost all common sense decided that you really did want to date me and it wasn't just a passing bit of insanity. Where has all the time gone?

I tried to fight against you liking me.

I remember back in May when I tried to explain why you shouldn't date me. You sat through my explanations, held my hand when some old emotions resurfaced, and nodding to show you were listening. You then placed a hand on my cheek and thanked me for being honest. I was waiting for you to put me out of your life.

It never happened.

I was sure you could do so very much better than me. Someone more attractive, someone funnier, someone nicer, someone not as dorky, just better all around.

You were amused at how terrified I was to meet your family. I figured your mom and little sister were flukes, no way my luck could hold out. Strangely enough your family seemed to like me and your sisters and mom have actually accepted me. I look back on how nervous I was for that Myrtle Beach trip and have to shake my head. Sorry for being such a spaz Hon.

I still need to thank Imogen for finally getting through my stubbornness the night of our first date. Had she been there, I wouldn't have to confront feelings for you (at least not at the moment) as doing so was a frightening prospect back then.

You've somehow managed to not get fed up with me in six months. How, considering that I like to tease, is a mystery.

You and Daybreak have become such a large part of my life in such a short amount of time. It seems like just yesterday me and you were just friends who helped each other study for ridiculously difficult psych tests. Now we've actually talked about the possibility of renting a townhouse together, even though it's been vetoed at this moment in time.

You constantly tell me that you are sure you had made the right decision in liking and later loving me. I thought I was going to jump out my skin when I felt you kiss me on the back of the neck that night.

I want to make this work. And I'm brave enough to admit I'm scared that I will screw up this relationship. I can't help it.

For some reason you think I am a wonderful person and I suppose that all I can do is try my best to prove you right.

Then last night you admitted you would actually like to marry me. It wasn't a proposal and you weren't expecting an answer but it still changed things. When asked, I told you that had you actually asked me to marry you I'd have said no for now.

Remember that I also said for now.

The future, after all, has yet to be written.

I have seen you at your best and your worst. I've seen you with no makeup and bedhead to looking like you walked off the cover of a fashion magazine. I've seen you in tears. I've helped take care of you when you're sick, massaged you when cramps or stress set in, and tried to listen and help with your problems.

I love that you can make me smile and laugh. I love that you are willing to listen and genuinely care what I have to say. I love that you can and will tell me when you think I am wrong and try and help me get on track.

You have helped to teach me to trust in myself and I don't know how to repay you for that.

You carved out a space for yourself in my heart.

Even when I tease you and sing annoying songs just to get them stuck in your head.

I only do it because I care.



Love,

Kendall

"Yes We Can."

Dear Senator Obama,

Before anything else, I offer my condolences to you and your family for the loss of your grandmother. From what I know she was proud of the man you became which is all we can really hope for.

On this the eve of election day, I can imagine you are being swamped by mail from everyone spanning adoring fans to vitriolic critics. I doubt you will even read this yourself but that will not stop my sending it. I want to get these words out there. I need to.

Tomorrow the majority of Americans will hit the polls and vote, deciding which candidate they believe will best lead this country in the next four years. Which is a wonderful thing. Every single citizen capable of voting should do so. Suffrage is not only a right; it is a responsibility. So no matter which candidate a person votes for, I am happy they are doing their duty. When I was 14, my Civics teacher said a sentence that has stayed with me to this day. "If you don't vote, don't complain."

I remember watching the Democratic Presidential Debates last July and thinking either Senator Clinton, Senator Edwards, or yourself would be the presidential nominee.

Sadly, I must recognize that this presidential election has brought out the worst in many of us on both sides. I may be voting for you but I do not see why that makes so many of your supporters defame and demonize Republican voters.

I can respect John McCain. I may disagree with him incredibly but I believe that he has what he sees as America's best interests at heart. I admire the fact that he and his wife took in a 3 month old girl from Bangladesh. Along with his service record and rather affable personality. I see no reason to hate Senator McCain and I do not really see that changing.

I have heard you called a racist, a socialist, a terrorist, even the Anti Christ. I've heard McCain voters referred to as racists, idiots, rednecks, and all manner of nastiness.

Sir, I believe with all my heart that you can truly take us into the new century. I want to see the wounds in our foreign standing healed. I want the title of American to be something to be proud of again. I want to be proud of my country and secure in the knowledge that the head of my government has my best interests in mind.

No matter what the outcome, I thank you. You have become the embodiment of change to a tired and angry people. So win or lose, I believe what you have done will resonate through the generations regardless.

There are so many issues that concern me, it is enough to make my pulse race and head feel light and full of cotton. I stress as I wonder if decades down the road, I will be able to have social security as a fallback. I look at nations like Great Britain and wonder why we cannot have nationalized health care as well. I feel the anger well up in my stomach when I look at my friends and know that should they want a family, it will be an uphill battle from the start because they are both women. I hear people look at peace in the Middle East as lost cause and know in my heart of hearts that it will take time and successful diplomacy. I despise the helplessness I feel when I watch the shame on the face of one of my students because her family can't afford new clothes. I look forward to the day when we are not reliant on gas and where alternative energy sources are considered more than just a pipe dream.

I look forward to a country where people of all ages, cultural, social, and economic backgrounds, religious beliefs, sexual orientations, educational backgrounds, and abilities are fully included and participating in society. A country where each and every one of its citizens is supported, accepted, and valued.

Tomorrow our world will change. Just what it will change into it has yet to be decided at the moment. Soon we will know who the next President of the United States will be. Many months of travel and sacrifice and tears and pain will tomorrow be vindicated.

In 2016, I want to be able to look back on 8 years of peace, equality, and prosperity. As someone who is increasingly thinking like a father, I want to be able to afford to both send my daughter to school and make sure she has health care. I want her to grow up to be very proud of her country and how it really is a land of hope for all people.

So on the eve of this historic election, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for standing up. Thank you for speaking out. Thank you for believing we deserve better and convincing us of the same. Thank you for sacrificing time with your family to campaign for what you believe in. Thank you for giving us hope. Thank you for giving me faith in politicians for the first time. Thank you for being who you are and having the willingness to share that with us all.

Respectfully,

Kendall A.

A Letter To Heaven

For those expecting a post of my normal length tonight, I'm sorry to disappoint. My heart just isn't in it.

I was in Bio lecture when I happened to look down at my cell phone and noticed the date. Like a strike from Zeus himself, the significance of today hit me. In that moment, I felt like someone had my heart in an unforgiving vice grip. My vision began to blur as tears crept into the corners of my eyes.

A year ago today, the woman who restored my faith in family, died as a result of a collision with a drunk driver. She was the one who decided to help an 8 year-old boy learn to love reading and slowly, through pure heart and stubbornness, showed she cared for and even loved him as her own. Two weeks before this, she had found out she was pregnant.

When my life went to hell last year, she was one of the handful of people I could talk to. I regret not telling her just how much she meant to me while she was still alive.

Even though we were in no way related, I had thought of her as my Mom from the time I was 14 and even now. Ironically, I found out later she and her wife had long considered adopting me. I finally felt wanted for once.

You should see Mami, she looks like she's ready to pop any day now. Hopefully I'll get up to Mass for Christmas and sometime after Los Gemelos Nuevos are born to see her. I promise to be a fantastic big brother/godfather to them. She has found love again in an old friend, you'd approve. R can even keep her from being her normal hotheaded self which I know you'd appreciate.

Mom, I would like to say a few things. I love you, I can't stress that enough and I hope I'm doing you proud. I look forward to the day I can see you again. We'll sip sweet tea (I know a bunch of people, yourself included, who'd be madder than wet hornets if Heaven had no sweet tea) and I'll tell you all about my crazy adventures. But until then, I can rest easy knowing you haven't stopped watching out for me.

Su Hijo,

Kendall

P. S. When I finally get where you are, you bring the coffee and I'll bring the cake.

A Letter To My Daybreak

Dear Daybreak,

I can't believe you'll be four years old on Friday. Should I let you read this when you're older, you'll be shocked to know your mom called me almost in tears about this fact the other night. This growing up thing you're doing? Yeah, that needs to stop ASAP. You so often act like a child far older that I forget you're not quite old enough for kindergarten yet.

You have all ready begun to master the art of sarcasm and the eye roll. You love talking on the phone. You channel a Mexican jumping bean whenever your mom takes you shopping. It's like a teenager in the body of a preschooler. Then you'll turn around tell me and your mom to please be quiet because Sesame Street is on and you can't miss it. Don't even get me started on someone talking during a commercial. It's like a capital crime to you.

Did you know I saw you a few days after you were born? Your mom stopped by the school with you and I even got to hold you for a few minutes. You were very small, not even as long as my forearm and I hadn't seen your gorgeous green eyes yet. I had no idea then that I would start to call you mine. I've only known you since late February and yet it scares me how much I love you.

There, I admit it.

You scared me.

I can see you as a teenager, reading this. You turn to me, bat your eyelashes, and say "you were scared of little ole me?"

Dear, I stand guilty as charged.

Since I've known you, your vocabulary has exploded. From the moment you found out I spoke Spanish, you made me your Dora buddy. You would flit around the house and point to random things, say their Spanish name, then look to me for confirmation. You are always looking for something to learn. Eva says it isn't surprising since your favourite word has always been 'why'.

"Why is the ground down and the sky up?"

"Why can't we live in the water like my goldfish?"

"Why are you (me) so much darker than Mommy?"

When me and Eva were still just friends and even when we first started dating, I didn't want you to get too attached to me. I didn't want you to be heartbroken if things didn't work out between us. I don't know how to put into words just how much it hurt to see you burst into tears during that conversation.

You melt my little black heart (no pun intended) on a regular basis with the comments that come out of your mouth. Such as you telling every person in Ben & Jerry's they could eat poo if they didn't like me and Eva dating each other. Or your passionate stance that no one should be alone on the holidays, not even scarecrows.

With every day me and you spend together, Eva has to ask if you are becoming my daughter by osmosis. When you and your mom came over for dinner the other night, you told me you were ready to go through the haunted lab. I asked if you were sure you wanted to. You gave me a look that clearly said YES, DID I STUTTER? so I let it go. I'm pretty much sure you'll be scared out of your mind but I call this learning the hard way.

You now try and read anything you can get your little hands on. I have never laughed so hard in a grocery store before in my life as when I heard you ask loudly MOMMY, WHAT'S A RUBBER? DO GROWN-UPS HAVE TUB TOYS TOO?! Come to think of it, I've never rushed out (against my will) of one so fast either. Yet you still prefer to sit in either me or Eva's lap and have us read to you. Whatever takes the least amount of energy right? After all, driving your mom nuts is a full-time job even between the two of us.

I've never met a child quite like you. You will jump from the top of a slide without hesitation. I thought me and Eva were about to have a heart attack. You dusted your hands on your jeans, gave us a crooked grin, and said you just wanted to see if the ground would catch you. Issac Newton has nothing on this kid.

Then on the nights I'm there when it's your bedtime, you'll ask me to check under your bed and in your closet. For monsters, you say. But unlike most children, you're not afraid of them. You want them to crawl into bed with you so they can be comfortable. You looked dead at me and said, everyone needs someone to love them. Even monsters. You explained that they're like you when you haven't had a good nap. Cranky and mean. Some sleep would make them feel better.

You're finally getting over your phobia of milk or booger juice as you call it. Yeah, my bad. I have to admit though that seeing you flee at the very sight of a cow is hilarious and completely worth the smack to the head. I've even started baking cookies from scratch since you love doing it so much. Although you did cry when I made fun of you for getting the flour everywhere. I even felt horrible. That is until you threw some IN MY FACE. Yeah, that's my girl.

By the way, I will never forget you pointing to Sarah Palin on television and asking 'why is this lady on TV instead of Wal-Mart?'

For the past three weeks, all you have been able to talk about is your birthday bash on Saturday. Especially when you found out your Aunt I and Aunt G were coming home from New York to be there. You've talked my ear off at length on what dress you plan to wear, and how cool the cake your mom let you pick out is going to be. You have what games you want to play planned out beside your bed. Twice now you've actually talked yourself to sleep. Congratulations on surpassing me in the motormouth department.

Sadly, I was unable to figure out just how to get Big Bird to your party.

Maybe next year.

I have to smile watching you drive your pink Barbie convertible with your sunglasses on. You throw your head back and laugh at the freedom you have as you zoom across your Grandma's backyard. But as you race towards the sunset, my smile is a bit sad.

One day you'll do that for real.

At age four, you think all boys but me, your uncles, and your new cousin are icky. You think make-up is just for playtime with your mom. And you still think skittles are a zillion times more valuable than a dollar bill. Will you stay this child forever? No, you thought Peter Pan was silly for not wanting to grow up. You'll grow into an amazing woman who I look forward to getting to know.

But for now?

You're still the kid who snuggles between me and Eva for story time and one who I'm equally proud of and fascinated by.

So happy birthday Daybreak, I love you. Yes even the time when I tricked you into trying broccoli.

Love,
Papa