A Tale of Bucks, Pups, and a Kiss for Luck

And hello 2009!

My New Year's Eve was spent with Eva, Daybreak, and The Devil A. K. A. my puppy. We played Monopoly. Me against team of Eva and Daybreak. I still say there was some money being slipped out of the bank but I'm not bitter.

Really.

More like impressed that they weren't caught.

You know the row between Jail/Just Visiting and Free Parking? Yeah that was death for me. By the end of the game, there was a hotel on New York Ave., Tennessee Ave., and St. James Place. To make matters worse, there were 3 houses on the purple properties whose names escape me at the moment.

Like I said, death.

I tried to fight back in other areas of the board but after landing on two hotels back-to-back and needing to mortgage one set of my houses, the game was pretty much over.

Then to add insult to injury, Daybreak takes a handful of their winnings, fans them out in her hands and gives her best attempt at a diabolical laugh. If you remember the classic nicktoon Rugrats, think Angelica's.

After my humiliating defeat we watched Mrs. Doubtfire and then Mulan, during which Daybreak fell asleep curled up against Eva's lap. After getting her ready for bed and then tucked in, we sat on the couch and sat talking for the last half hour of 2008.

When my clock struck 12, I put my hand on her cheek and kissed her. She put her arms around my neck and we stayed that way for a long minute, leaning our foreheads against each other after breaking apart.

Not a bad end to 2008. Not bad at all.

To Mr. Kris Kringle, A Thank You

Dear Santa,

I know, I know. You must be wondering why I'm writing again when I just wrote that letter earlier in the week. Well since I just posted about appreciated things while you still have them I would feel remiss if I did not thank you.

Me and Eva have had several long talk and as of approx. 6 PM today, we are back together. I spent part of Christmas morning with her and Daybreak before heading to The Godmother's and later on in the day at her mom's who then insisted I stay for a while.

I found myself started to question if I was right during the summer. If needing people was only inviting trouble. But I would like to think I have felt all I have just to prove that my younger self was wrong. That I cannot make it through life without others. I would be lying through my teeth if I said I wasn't miserable.

Now seeing as how Mami will be giving birth soon, I can only pray that you make it two for two.

Humbly yours,

Kendall

On Appreciation

You never know quite what you have until it's gone. I thought I had all ready learned that lesson last year, really DID NOT need the remedial course.

I remember being afraid of Eva developing feelings for me, thinking I did not deserve a second chance. That she could do so much better.

I remember feeling terrified and simultaneously amazed that Daybreak would adopt me as her dad and that I would come to think of her as my own.

Slowly but surely, these two carved out a home in my heart. So when Eva told me we should stop seeing each other, it was like my world stopped. My heart pounded and my eyes widened as I tried to comprehend why.

Yet despite how horrible I felt and still do, I almost hissed a negative response when asked if I regretted dating her in first place.

From her using my legs as a pillow while we studied, to picnic lunches in the park and lazing the day away playing, to the days I would keep an eye on Daybreak while Eva worked, to teasing each other like a family would, the past seven months have been some of the happiest of my life and I would not trade them.

One of my greatest fears was that I would do something to screw up this relationship. In the irony that seems to govern my life at times, I did too well trying to prove I could do right by someone and Eva broke up with me before we got too close for lasting damage.

My simple response was, "it's too late for that hun."

So Internet, I turn to you in my time of need. Especially those of who you are single parents or have dated them.

Is it OK to be selfish and want this to work even after she broke up with me? Or should I just try and be her friend? I'm at a lost here as I want so badly to just say screw it and kiss her senseless the next time I see her. I probably won't (not saying never as I know how my emotions take over at times) but it won't be for lack of desire to.

I know when to admit that I'm in over my head. Now is most definitely one of those times.

Wednesday Workshop: My Christmas Wishlist

Sorry for the serious lack of posting as of late folks, between trying to do well on my exams on top of the...well, the end of me and Eva's relationship my heart hasn't really been set on blogging. So hopefully this week's assignment from Mama Kat will improve my mood some.

1.) Write or share a letter to Santa

5...4...3...2...1...

Dear Santa,

I must first apologize for the long communications blackout. I lost my faith in your magic when I was 6 and I suppose I'm trying to find it again. I would like to hope you remember the kid who along with his little sister would leave you a PB & J sandwich along with a mug of chilled milk. After all, you have to know the address of every little kid in the world, so I figure it's not too much a long shot.

Normally this would be the part where I tell you what I want for Christmas. I'm a tad bit old for toys despite the saying about "boys and their toys", although I have to be honest and admit that a Macbook would not be unappreciated.

What I want can be summed up in two items:

One, I want Mami to go through a safe and successful labour and for Los Gemelos Nuevos to be born as a healthy little boy and girl. She has lost too much as is and I want my little brother and sister/godchildren to grow up, be happy in what they do, and give me nieces and nephews to spoil.

Two, and I know this one is a biggie, I want to be able to keep my promise to Daybreak and see her on Christmas. Consider it my last request as her father figure.

If I can have those two things then I would be entirely satisfied Mr. Kringle.

Please and Thank You,

Kendall A.

Her Christmas Wish

Before I tell this story, I need to give you folks a bit of background info about Daybreak's shall we say...suspicious nature. She has been asking if Santa Claus is really real since yesterday when one of the kids she goes to preschool with made her cry by yelling at her that there was no such person. Little brat. So when she asked if we could go to the mall for her to see Santa we were, needless to say, a bit surprised and a bit more confused. You would think we knew by now that we were in for craziness.

With my fingers slightly numb -- from shopping bags, not the weather -- me and Eva watched as Daybreak tentatively approached her goal. I would not have been surprised to find little beads of sweat peppered across her forehead. She stopped a few feet short and wide green eyes turned to me and her mom with a classic deer-in-the-headlights expression. She shook her head and ran back into Eva's legs.

Eva: "What's wrong Daybreak?"
Daybreak: "I'm scared."
Me: "Of what?"
Daybreak: *mumbles*
Eva: "Speak up, I can't hear you when you talk into your coat."
Daybreak: "What if...what if he doesn't like me?"
Me: "He's Santa Sweetie, if he liked me as a kid then you are a shoe in for the nice list."
Daybreak: "Really?"
Me: "Cross my heart and hope to drink milk."
Daybreak: "I believe you. OK, I am going to talk to Santa."

She frowns in determination and strides forward, looking as if she were marching to war instead of telling the mall Santa what she wanted for Christmas. Me and Eva can't look at each other because we know we'd crack up laughing if that happened.

Santa: "So little miss, have you been a good girl this year?"
Daybreak: "I think so. Although my mommy says I'm per--pre--precoash..."
Santa: "Precocious?"
Daybreak: "Yes! Wow you're smart Santa."
Santa: "Why thank you."
Daybreak: "You're welcome. So since I've been good does that mean I get to tell you what I want?"
Santa: "Yes I do believe it does."
Daybreak: "Goody. I only have one thing to ask you for..."

And this point she leans into his ear and starts whispering while looking back at us every few moments. Finally, she gets off his lap and heads over to mingle with the group of kids playing and sucking on free candy canes. Seeing as how Daybreak was the last child at the moment, the Santa waved us over.

Santa: "Do you know what she wanted?"
Eva: "Considering how she kept looking back at us, I'm assuming we're involved somehow. But for the life of me, I don't know."
Me: "Me neither."
Santa: "She told me that all she wanted was for her 'Mommy' and 'Papa', you two, to be with her on Christmas morning. She told me that if that happened, then she knew I really must be real."
Me: "Since we planned on being together for Christmas that is no problem."
Santa: "Good. Listen I've done this for about 15 years and I've talked to a lot of kids. The ones who don't want some new toy or the like are few and far between. Don't disappoint her."
Eva: "We won't. Merry Christmas Santa."
Me: "Merry Christmas Mr. Kringle."
Santa: "And a merry Christmas to you both as well. Remember, 'he knows.'"

Doing The Best I Can

I hadn't planned on posting this week as between my test tonight, planning a Thanksgiving dinner yesterday, a new research project, and finalizing my plans for this weekend, I've been stretched a wee bit thin. However I felt I should share something with y'all.

Allow me to admit something, I have bouts of pretty low self-esteem. Which means that I have trouble believing people when they say good things about me. I'm better about it than I used to be, but I can never be called egotistical.

After our mini-Thanksgiving; me, Eva, and Daybreak were on her couch under a blanket. Daybreak had fallen asleep sitting on my lap while me and Eva were talking quietly. I never realized I was doing it but I had started stroking Daybreak's hair and humming.

Eva just watched me, smiling.

Me: What is it?
Eva: Just enjoying the scene.
Me: What scene?
Eva: You and Daybreak.
Me: I'm still lost here.
Eva: You are very good with her for someone who thinks he would be a horrible dad.
Me: She deserves a better one.
Eva: In her eyes, there couldn't be a better one. And I'm starting to agree with her.

I'll Take the Minefield for $200, Alex

I'm looking after Daybreak today while Eva is working and I thought I'd share a little conversation we had before she laid down for a nap. The munchkin was tuckered out after watching X-Men (she has said Hugh Jackman will be her husband one day) and us working on building a LEGO castle.

Daybreak: So you and Mommy are going dancing?

Me: Yes Sweetie.

Daybreak: You and Mommy have been together six months right?

Me: Almost. Monday will make six months.

Daybreak: So when am I going to get a baby sister?

Me: I think you're child enough for both of us Daybreak.

Daybreak: What's taking so long? I've been waiting practically forever.

Me: Daybreak, you're four. It's not like you're an old maid.

Daybreak: But...but...fine. Can you two at least get married? You love Mommy and Mommy loves you, what's the hold up?

At this point, I can't keep a straight face any longer and am nearly crying from laughter. Daybreak got very put out and decided I deserved to be tickled for laughing at her serious concerns.

I swear that I act my age sometimes.

Now I'm going to get some homework done before my ball of energy and questions wakes back up.

Hope y'all have a fabulous weekend.

Wednesday Workshop: The Day My World Stood Still

It's that time again, folks. My assignment from Mama Kat this week goes as follows:

5.) The first time you...

It was tempting to put the story of my first kiss here but I'm not up for embarrassing myself today. I'll just say that I was dense and leave it at that. So instead I chose a day that snowballed events to where they are now.

Most dads consider the first time their child calls them dad or some equivalent one of their landmark moments. I'm no different, even if my moment was unorthodox.

5...4...3...2...1...

It was Eva's backyard; she, Daybreak, and I were sitting on a blanket in the grass. Me and Eva had our psych notes out quizzing each other, while Daybreak used my back as a steady for her colouring book. I was about to ask her what the signs of sociopathy in children are when Daybreak says clearly, "Papa, can you move? You're not in the Sun."

I froze. Eva looked to the small blond perched on my back. "Daybreak, who are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about Papa."

"Daybreak, I'm not your papa."

She moved to sit down in front of us and tilted her head to the side. "Why not?"

Her mom took up the explanation when I couldn't. "It doesn't work like that Sweetie. Kendall is our friend. "

The first bits of tears were welling up in her eyes. And with every one, my heart hurt just a little bit more.

She looked me in the eye and asked why I didn't want her either. I sat up and hugged her. "I can only be your friend because you deserve a much better papa than me. You deserve the best."

Small arms wrapped around my neck as she started to cry in earnest. I heard her mumble "really?" into my shoulder. Eva was stroking her back and as I was telling Daybreak yes I noticed Eva giving me a strange look.

She ended up crying herself to sleep that afternoon.

That was the middle of April. I was terrified that this little girl adored me so much that she would want me to be her dad. A little tidbit about me folks, I more often think with my heart than my head and I love people quickly. This was no different.

I told Daybreak she deserved better than me. That makes my job simple to figure out.

I have to become better.

Basking in the Afterglow

Well, that caps the end to another wonderful Halloween. I hope everyone enjoyed themselves with whatever (if any) plans they made. Before I get to the good parts of my own recap, I have a question. Why is it we no longer have flashlights while trick-or-treating? Seriously folks? Eva and Daybreak were both in white costumes and we still had a flashlight while I carried a glow stick around my neck. It would seem like common sense should dictate...

dark costume = the thought that I need something to show people I'm here.

I was carrying a sleeping Daybreak when we saw the blue lights of police sirens. As we got closer, we could see a man being given CPR on the curb while three feet ahead a truck had wrapped its front end around a stop sign. Safety first, folks.

Aside from hoping that man would be OK though, our night was fantastic. Although I did have a mild panic attack.

We were making one of our last house stops when we notice Daybreak is getting sleepy. Since my car was still a few blocks away, I just held her as we walked. One woman, in her late 20s at the oldest, sees me with a little girl in a ballerina costume with a woman dressed up as a witch with her arm around my waist and laying her head on my shoulder.

Woman: "Aww your daughter is so cute."

Me: (not thinking about what I'm saying) "Yes she is."

Eva: (trying not to laugh) "Thank you Ma'am, but now we need to get her home and to bed."

When she has Daybreak buckled in the booster seat, she finally looks at me and asks, "Your daughter?"

As she voices this question, I had my jester's hat off and was in the process of cleaning the makeup from my face. In a moment that was pure Kendall for the world, I stab the paper towel I was using right in my eye in surprise. I think quickly and when I realize what she is referring to, my eyes widen.

This is not the first time I claimed Daybreak as my daughter without thinking about it. Maybe my subconscious and my heart had claimed her long ago, they were just waiting for my head to catch up. Looking at her small form sleeping, I knew it didn't matter.

I looked Eva dead in the eye, and said. "Yes."

The smile that drew from her was quite simple one of the brightest I had ever seen.

After cleaning up from breakfast this morning, we did a count of how much a haul we scored last night. Eva gave up trying once she got to 200.

Daybreak: "Papa, you're our good luck charm every year now."

Me: "Stick with me Kiddo, and we'll score enough candy to last until the next year."

Daybreak: "Mmm me like. Mommy, can we have some now?"

Eva: "After lunch, yes."

Daybreak: "Awww, that's no fair."

Me: (whisper) "We'll sneak some later."

Eva: "I heard that!"

Ah good times, makes me look forward to next year. Now I need to wait out this sugar rush and then head to my hometown for the weekend. Take care everyone. Please try and avoid the diabeetus.

"When I Get Where I'm Goin'"

With my 21st birthday creeping up on me slowly but surely, I feel like Atlas. With graduation only 46 credits away, I feel like all the air is being sucked from the room. At the risk of sounding like a whiny college student, the future scares the living daylights out of me.

The weird part is that it's not the job market that scares me. I know teachers are needed everywhere and with Teach For America, I shouldn't have too much difficulty making it in the door.

It's not the election. No matter who wins, although I've made it fairly obvious who I voted for, the world will go on either way. Is there very high potential for rough times? Yes but America's a tough old broad and she won't give up without fighting with all the grit she has.

It's not the idea of being independent from my parents that scares me. Emotionally, I've been independent since I was in my early teens. Financially, I have been since about July. So that isn't it either.

In my heart of hearts, the one I hide behind smiles and a seemingly easy-going nature, I know what the problem is. I just hate admitting to it.

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted a family of my own. Despite everything I've seen and gone through, I still want to believe in happily ever after. No matter how much my mind tries to pull life support on that hope, it has yet to die. I'm realizing now that it likely never will.

I was dancing with Daybreak while she stood on my toes when she looks up at me and asks, "when are you and Mommy going to give me a little sister?" I very nearly tripped but caught myself at the last moment. A sister? While I managed to say "I didn't know if that would happen" and act OK on the outside, on the inside was another matter entirely.

While Eva was helping Daybreak change into the new outfits she received for her birthday, Eva's mom pulled me off to the side and asked what my plans were regarding Eva. I had an idea as to where she was going with this but decided to be diplomatic and said I didn't want to move too fast.

She looked at me for a moment before telling me, in an almost chiding tone, not to let fear rule me. Before I could even ask what she was talking about, she told me to think about it then strode off to talk with Eva's older sisters who were sipping wine coolers.

When I was changing into my clown costume later that day, I found a single index card in my pocket. In Eva's mother's handwriting, it said:

"Do not be afraid to live, to laugh and to love. My daughter and my granddaughter both trust you so trust in yourself to have the strength to follow your heart. It won't lead you astray.

Know that if and when the time comes, you have my blessing."

Earlier this morning, Eva was curled up against my side while Daybreak was using my chest as a pillow. And looking at them, I realize I do treat them like family. I felt Eva move closer and smiled.

Do I know where I'll be in the unknown future?

No.

And thinking back to the morning, of watching two of the most important people in my life sleeping...the unknown doesn't seem so ominous anymore.

Quite honestly, I'm...dare I say it...looking forward to what tomorrow brings.

And I'm Not Even Blaming My Dog

Dear Internet,

I know. I know. I haven't written anything since Thursday and even that was just passing along the Kreativ Blogger Award. I have an excuse and I promise it's better than any cock-and-bull story you ever told your teachers/parents/bosses/various disappointees.

As some of you may or may not know, I kind of had a packed weekend between Daybreak's 4th birthday party yesterday morning/afternoon at her Grandma's and the Haunted Lab Friday night and last night.


Friday:
7:25 Educational Theory Lecture

9:00 Theater Appreciation - usually a fun class as there is a lot of improv but this was mostly a lecture day. I ended up surfing the internet instead of listening. Oops. Did watch the last two acts of Medea though. All throughout, "Cruella De Vil" was playing through my head.

12:00-3:30: In the Lab building, making a maze, hanging plastic to block off hallways, decorating each individual scene. I have never had to move so many tables in my life.

3:30-4:30: Me and The Ginger hit up places like the mall, Wal Mart, Target, trying to sell ourselves. The Ginger got hit on. As she was wearing a short white dress with a good bit of cleavage showing, she was hit on a lot. She was pissed; I was amused.

4:30-5:00: Eat a free chick fil-a sandwich and change into costumes, I practice with the chainsaw so I can start it within 20 seconds easily.

5:30-10:30: Showtime!

11:00: get home, catch up on missed calls, shower, then bed

Saturday

7:30-9: I make Daybreak a batch of cupcakes for her birthday then meet her and Eva for breakfast at Perkin's in Durham. Yet again, I am the only black person in the joint. Eva makes many jokes at this. After that we hit the road for Eva's mom's place for the party.

9:30: Road trip to Eva's mom's for the party.

10:30-3:30: Arrive, help set up, the most hilarious game of duck-duck-goose ever, food, cake, presents, everyone mingles outside on the deck, at this point I have to head back for the second night of the haunted house.

5:00: Back in costume, chainsaw primed and ready, looking forward to chasing screamers across the parking lot again

7:24: I am chasing a woman down the sidewalk when I fail to the notice a puddle. My right leg slides inward and I hit the ground. Hard. End up spraining the knee. To my further embarrassment, this is caught on tape.

8:00: I have found a replacement and taught him what to do. I take over as a tour guide for the portion of our haunted house taking place in the woods. My basic job was to make my group of 10-15 people more paranoid than they all ready were. Judging by the shrieks and scattering later, I think I did my job well.

10:00: We pack it in for the night and we get to hear our total earnings for both nights. Over two grand, folks! That means we had over 400 people come through which is amazing.

10:30: We're all hungry so we take about seven cars and basically take over the local Chico's until 12 when we're pretty much kicked out.

12:30: Finally home. Shower immediately then straight to bed.


Best quotes of the weekend:

M: What's up negro...oh snap, you really are black! My bad, my bad.

K: (the most deadpan voice ever) Oh no, I been bit.

Me: (after hearing one girl say the haunted house wasn't so bad) We'll see about that. (run from my hiding spot with chainsaw in hand, scattering and screaming ensue)

Scared Girl: I'm not scared. I'm not scared.
Me (walking behind her with the chainsaw in the parking lot) Then why are you walking so fast?
Scared Girl: I'm not scared! (I rev the motor) AHHHHH! (takes off)

Me: We need to hit up Wal-Mart.
The Ginger: Why?
Me: Because there is no other place as scary. Just think of the mullets.

Daybreak: Papa, when are you and Mommy going to give me a little sister?

Eva(dancing with me at the party): I'm surprised Daybreak let me have you to myself for a few minutes.
Me: Your mom is excellent distraction.
Eva: Amen to that.

Shaner: Our MVP of the night, the man who had us laughing our asses off as he took off after people with a chainsaw. He made one man twice his size run to his car and lock himself in. Our psycho clown, Kendall A---.
Me: (standing up in the restaurant) You like me. (wipes away a fake tear) You really do like me.

So see Internet, I have a perfectly viable excuse for the lack of updates the last few days.

Better than saying "my dog ate them".

Marching to the beat of my own drum,

- Kendall (The Odd Duck)

A Letter To My Daybreak

Dear Daybreak,

I can't believe you'll be four years old on Friday. Should I let you read this when you're older, you'll be shocked to know your mom called me almost in tears about this fact the other night. This growing up thing you're doing? Yeah, that needs to stop ASAP. You so often act like a child far older that I forget you're not quite old enough for kindergarten yet.

You have all ready begun to master the art of sarcasm and the eye roll. You love talking on the phone. You channel a Mexican jumping bean whenever your mom takes you shopping. It's like a teenager in the body of a preschooler. Then you'll turn around tell me and your mom to please be quiet because Sesame Street is on and you can't miss it. Don't even get me started on someone talking during a commercial. It's like a capital crime to you.

Did you know I saw you a few days after you were born? Your mom stopped by the school with you and I even got to hold you for a few minutes. You were very small, not even as long as my forearm and I hadn't seen your gorgeous green eyes yet. I had no idea then that I would start to call you mine. I've only known you since late February and yet it scares me how much I love you.

There, I admit it.

You scared me.

I can see you as a teenager, reading this. You turn to me, bat your eyelashes, and say "you were scared of little ole me?"

Dear, I stand guilty as charged.

Since I've known you, your vocabulary has exploded. From the moment you found out I spoke Spanish, you made me your Dora buddy. You would flit around the house and point to random things, say their Spanish name, then look to me for confirmation. You are always looking for something to learn. Eva says it isn't surprising since your favourite word has always been 'why'.

"Why is the ground down and the sky up?"

"Why can't we live in the water like my goldfish?"

"Why are you (me) so much darker than Mommy?"

When me and Eva were still just friends and even when we first started dating, I didn't want you to get too attached to me. I didn't want you to be heartbroken if things didn't work out between us. I don't know how to put into words just how much it hurt to see you burst into tears during that conversation.

You melt my little black heart (no pun intended) on a regular basis with the comments that come out of your mouth. Such as you telling every person in Ben & Jerry's they could eat poo if they didn't like me and Eva dating each other. Or your passionate stance that no one should be alone on the holidays, not even scarecrows.

With every day me and you spend together, Eva has to ask if you are becoming my daughter by osmosis. When you and your mom came over for dinner the other night, you told me you were ready to go through the haunted lab. I asked if you were sure you wanted to. You gave me a look that clearly said YES, DID I STUTTER? so I let it go. I'm pretty much sure you'll be scared out of your mind but I call this learning the hard way.

You now try and read anything you can get your little hands on. I have never laughed so hard in a grocery store before in my life as when I heard you ask loudly MOMMY, WHAT'S A RUBBER? DO GROWN-UPS HAVE TUB TOYS TOO?! Come to think of it, I've never rushed out (against my will) of one so fast either. Yet you still prefer to sit in either me or Eva's lap and have us read to you. Whatever takes the least amount of energy right? After all, driving your mom nuts is a full-time job even between the two of us.

I've never met a child quite like you. You will jump from the top of a slide without hesitation. I thought me and Eva were about to have a heart attack. You dusted your hands on your jeans, gave us a crooked grin, and said you just wanted to see if the ground would catch you. Issac Newton has nothing on this kid.

Then on the nights I'm there when it's your bedtime, you'll ask me to check under your bed and in your closet. For monsters, you say. But unlike most children, you're not afraid of them. You want them to crawl into bed with you so they can be comfortable. You looked dead at me and said, everyone needs someone to love them. Even monsters. You explained that they're like you when you haven't had a good nap. Cranky and mean. Some sleep would make them feel better.

You're finally getting over your phobia of milk or booger juice as you call it. Yeah, my bad. I have to admit though that seeing you flee at the very sight of a cow is hilarious and completely worth the smack to the head. I've even started baking cookies from scratch since you love doing it so much. Although you did cry when I made fun of you for getting the flour everywhere. I even felt horrible. That is until you threw some IN MY FACE. Yeah, that's my girl.

By the way, I will never forget you pointing to Sarah Palin on television and asking 'why is this lady on TV instead of Wal-Mart?'

For the past three weeks, all you have been able to talk about is your birthday bash on Saturday. Especially when you found out your Aunt I and Aunt G were coming home from New York to be there. You've talked my ear off at length on what dress you plan to wear, and how cool the cake your mom let you pick out is going to be. You have what games you want to play planned out beside your bed. Twice now you've actually talked yourself to sleep. Congratulations on surpassing me in the motormouth department.

Sadly, I was unable to figure out just how to get Big Bird to your party.

Maybe next year.

I have to smile watching you drive your pink Barbie convertible with your sunglasses on. You throw your head back and laugh at the freedom you have as you zoom across your Grandma's backyard. But as you race towards the sunset, my smile is a bit sad.

One day you'll do that for real.

At age four, you think all boys but me, your uncles, and your new cousin are icky. You think make-up is just for playtime with your mom. And you still think skittles are a zillion times more valuable than a dollar bill. Will you stay this child forever? No, you thought Peter Pan was silly for not wanting to grow up. You'll grow into an amazing woman who I look forward to getting to know.

But for now?

You're still the kid who snuggles between me and Eva for story time and one who I'm equally proud of and fascinated by.

So happy birthday Daybreak, I love you. Yes even the time when I tricked you into trying broccoli.

Love,
Papa

When In Doubt, Look To The Books!

I saw this idea in a Blogher post and as I lack the proper plumbing to join and comment on the network I will make a post of my own.

You know you've read a good book when you turn the last page and feel like you've lost a good friend. - Paul Sweeney

I may love reading now but before I was eight years old, it was a constant struggle. I had a horrible time reading in English and since I would always have to read out loud in school and stumbled I associated all reading with my failure. However, if you handed me something in Spanish I would have devoured it even if I struggled with some of the words in it.

Let me explain something that may be unclear, I could read in English as well as any 8 year old but only if it was to myself.

I remember it was the winter of 1996 and I was trying to read Green Eggs & Ham out loud to myself. Emphasis on trying. One of the librarians saw me having trouble and sat down with me to explain how to make the sounds like I heard them in my head and not replace them with Spanish sounds as I was wont to do.

Then this woman did something amazing for me. She bought me a book for Christmas. Wrapped and everything.



I was hooked from then on out. I tore through this series and at the same time many other fantastic worlds. There is nothing like pulling a warm blanket from the closet and sitting down with a good book on a cold day.

It's strange to think I used to have so much trouble with it. I remember laughing when I received an award in 7th grade for being one of the three most well-read kids in my middle school. When I graduated from high school, I boxed up all of my books and donated them to the libraries of my high school and my former elementary school.

I myself wasn't read to but I do read to Daybreak when I can. I read Peter Pan to her over the summer, then Horton Hatches the Egg and Green Eggs & Ham, now we've started on Alice in Wonderland. She'll even ask me if she can read it to me for a while and I or Eva just help her with the words she stumbles over.

So do a child a favour and read to them. Some day, they will thank you for it.



(Daybreak reading Eva's old collection of fairly tales. It took several tries to get her not to look up or laugh while Eva took this picture.)

P. S. Much internet love to anyone who can tell where the title came from without the services of Google.

No One Should Be Lonely...Not Even Scarecrows

This was a conversation that took place when Eva and Daybreak came by for breakfast before we went shopping for Halloween goodies throughout Chapel Hill.

Daybreak: "Papa?"

Me: "Yes Daybreak?"

Daybreak: "Are you gonna have a scarecrow for Halloween?"

Me: "Most likely, why?"

Daybreak: "No reason, just askin'. Mommy?"

Eva: "Yes Honey?"

Daybreak: "Are we gonna have a scarecrow?"

Eva: "Yes, why?"

Daybreak: "Can our scarecrow and Papa's scarecrow be together? That way, they're not lonely."

So I present to you, clothed and accessorized from the Good Will for under $30, Izzy and Lulu the Scarecrow

What's A Dad?

Is it bad that I don't have a clear example of what one should be?

Then I read the above statement and realize what an ungrateful little shit I am being. I had several father-figures.

• The Twins: Two of my great-uncles who taught me all about life from my seat in their barber shop. They were the ones who taught me to shave, drive a car, maintain it, play basketball, and to be a good citizen
• My Grandpa: The man who showed by example what a husband should be. Some of the happiest memories from my childhood involve him dancing with my grandma around the kitchen to "Hello Dolly" or me sitting against his legs while my sister sat in my grandma's lap and we would watch All In The Family or The Andy Griffith Show.
  
• Gianni Churnelli: My former boss who became part of my family throughout high school. This is the man who nurtured my love of cooking and who would be my sounding board for when I opened a restaurant of my own. I had a graduation ticket set aside for him but he died a week and a half beforehand.
  

I will be the first to admit that I have issues with my dad. My sister has even more. Years of little to no interest in my life got me to the point where his opinion is largely worthless to me now.

For as long as I have been old enough to think about it, I have been scared shitless at the thought of being a dad myself. Hearing things like "mirror, mirror on the wall I am my [father] after all" certainly did not help matters in the least.

Leap forward to now and I have a little girl who has decided in her heart and her mind that I am who she wants as a daddy. She decided this a month and a half before I even admitted to liking her mother and two months before we were dating. I near had a heart attack the first time she called me Papa.

My first thought was 'oh fuck.'

Me and Eva sat her down and I explained that I couldn't be her daddy but I could and would be her friend. She asked me why couldn't I be both.

At the time I had no answer.

It was around this time that I found out the exact details of what happened between Eva and Daybreak's dad. He freaked about a month before her due date and split town. Eva is left as a single teenage mom. Cut forward about four years and several failed, suspiciously short relationships later when I come in.

For the first two months that me and Eva dated, I grew more and more frightened by the fact that Daybreak saw me as her father. It's like the more time she spends around me, the more she becomes me in miniature.

For example:

Daybreak: A, B, C, D, cookie monster.
Eva: You little fruit. You know what comes next.
Daybreak: E, F, G, H, I, J, K, cookie monster.
Eva: Where in the world are you getting that from?
Daybreak: points behind her
Eva turns to see me trying to hide a picture of Cookie Monster behind my back. She picks up a pillow and starts chasing me around the apartment.
Daybreak: Mommy! Don't beat up Papa without me!

She works with me until it's more amusing for her to turn on me. Like I said, me in miniature. I'm so proud.

So to my green-eyed little monster, I love you.

Poo On Them!

Yesterday was supposed to be a fun day of me spending time with Eva and Daybreak. Walk to go see Igor as the theatre is only four blocks from their apartment and then go to Ben & Jerry's. The movie was funny and Daybreak has now asked for a stuffed version of Igor for her birthday.

It was a nice scene. Daybreak was holding our hands with me and Eva on either side of her. Me and Daybreak were talking about what flavour of ice cream was better, strawberry or chocolate. Just as I am getting her around to the wonders of strawberry, Eva breaks in with this line:

"There is nothing like vanilla ice cream on hot apple pie."

Green eyes meet brown and we came to an accord. Vanilla was clearly superior this day.

Now I've learned something about Daybreak. Even if she has her own food, she will want some of yours. If you deny her, then she will get creative about it. She was trying to lick some of Eva's vanilla cone when she stopped and looked at her mom like she had a question.

She starts looking at the table more than us and slowly asks a question that broke my heart to hear.

"Mommy, what's a nigar lover?"

Eva turns wide eyes to me and I slowly try to reboot my brain from its 404. I was praying in my head that I heard her incorrectly. So I ask where she heard that.

She tells us how during the movie, she heard these two old harpies talking about how wrong it was for a sambo and his trashy nigger lover to be together. These were not her exact words but they were close enough that we both understand what those women had meant.

We had to explain to a child, not even four years-old yet, that some people would not like me and her mom together.

Daybreak: So people don't like you and Papa together because Papa's black?
Me: Sadly, yes.
Daybreak: But isn't it good that you, Mommy, and me aren't all the same? It makes us not boring. They shouldn't call you names.
Eva: Yes it does Sweetie.
Daybreak: Grandma likes you and Papa. Aunties Three like him. Why don't other people?
Me: Because they're blind.
Daybreak: Well poo on them!

She then proceeds to crawl into my lap and give me a very sticky ice cream kiss on the cheek. Turning to face the rest of the shop, sh proclaims she loves her Papa and that anyone who didn't like it could go eat poo. Please note that this was at the top of her lungs.

One older woman actually came up to us and said we were raising a very smart child who other people could learn from. Eva looks right at me and says, "yes we are." The rest of the night passed without incident.

As she was helping me make breakfast for Eva, she looked up from the pancake batter she was mixing and said that she hoped one day people could be happy for me and Eva like she was.

I love the way children think.

The Times; They Are A Changin'

It's officially October which means it is time for me to begin preparing for Halloween. It also means warm apple cider, gorgeous trees, and lots of other fun activities.

Halloween. The time has come once again for my favourite holiday and I have a lot planned for this year. I am beginning to get what odds and ends I need for my costume. Sadly, I have to shave off my goatee to put on the makeup for my clown costume.

I only know of two bad things about this month.

One, it's the first anniversary of when one of the women who raised me (Mami's wife) died in a car crash. Last year was the first time in 19 years I did practically nothing for Halloween. The fact that I was all ready very very depressed before she died only made things harder to deal with.

Two, I have midterms from the 14th to the 18th. Sad fact of college life is that you will have exams. To quote Tinkerbell, "I think college has made me dumber."

However, there is more than enough good to balance this out.

1. Haunted Lab. I have been excited about this since my lab partner first convinced me to join the science club. I get to chase people with a chainsaw through the woods. What's not to love about that?
   
2. Halloween. Trick-or-treating. Baking cookies. Dressing up. Nightmare Before Christmas. So many wonderful memories.
   
3. The elementary school I work at is having a costume contest for the kids the night before Halloween and I get to be one of the judges.
   
4. Daybreak is turning 4 on the 24th! Eva says she is going to probably cry that day and bemoans how old she is. I tell her she's barely six months older than me to which she replies that's still older which is all that matters. Women...
5. Fall break! Granted, I have midterms right after but that's a four day weekend for me to get in a last stretch of studying as well as try to unwind.
   
6. Schoolhouse Rock Live with my kids. 'Nuff said.
   
7. "It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown." Again, 'nuff said.