Bienvenido a Los Gemelos Nuevos

You two have no idea how much excitement has surrounded your arrival. It seems like it's been a lot longer than seven months since I found out about you. Now I get to meet you in person instead of talking to your mom's tummy like I did back in May.

As soon as I heard about you two showing up, early I might add, I cleared my schedule for this weekend and fully intend to wake up Friday before dawn and make the 12-plus hour drive to meet you in person. Speaking of being early, are we sure you're Mami's kids? This is the woman who once told me, "I'm never late. I arrive exactly when I mean to."

But I digress.

I can't wait until you two are older and we can really hang out. This is part of why I hate that Mami lives so far away now. I can't see you all as often as I would like but you had best believe that whenever I have the chance, you'll see that green Nissan pull up outside your window. When you're teenagers, maybe you'll just fly down on your own to stay with me while I (try as I may to deny it to your mom) will probably spoil you rotten.

I think I'm entitled.

Oh and I feel sorry for you Little Miss I, because you get me as a big brother figure, and when I want to, I can intimidate people. A skill I intend to use should any boy you deign to date not measure up. But don't worry, I'm pretty sure that will be unnecessary. But before you get excited and assume you're off the hook, I have to burst your bubble. Any boy you date has to deal with Mami first and any one who can pass her scrutiny will pass my muster. Little Mister G, same goes with you and girls. Just pray your mom is NOT the one who gives you the talk.

Next Christmas you two will be close to one year old and I have all ready seen some little Santa hats that would be adorable on you. Your mom and R will have you dressed up as elves, it's amazing how funny that is now that someone else is going to be subjected to that instead of myself. We'll sing songs while you two babble some of the words and generally make everyone's hearts melt around you.

When you two graduate from high school and later college, I will be there. Tissues in one hand and camera in the other. I'll be fit to burst with pride, love, happiness, and just a little bit of sadness. It was bad enough watching Mil graduate from high school, seeing you two walk across that stage will mean you are getting older. That so very much time has passed since the time I saw you as little more than a bump under Mami's shirt.

Your mom, along with her wife, took in a quasi-neglected 8 year-old boy and now a bit over 12 years later has asked that same boy to take on the role of godfather to you two. It meant more than I know how to vocalize just how much that meant to me. Me and Mami have been through a lot, the past year has been full of tears and no small amount of anger but we're passed it now. Here's my first lesson to you, you and your family will fight. It's inevitable. However, don't ever doubt they love you. Any of us would give our right arm for you. And each other for that matter.

One day you'll be grow up, go to school, get jobs, maybe get married, maybe have children of your own. I can only hope that throughout all that you stay true to yourselves, be happy, never become so busy you fail to consider the hearts of others, and most importantly, remember that I love you.

I promise here and now that I will do everything in my power to do right by you both. It seems fitting that your mom taught me to have faith in family and now I get to return the favour to you two. Full circle and all that.

Welcome to the world little ones, it's a brighter place with you in it.

Lovingly yours,

Kendall

P. S. I make no promises about not embarrassing you too much. I will take exorbitant amounts of pictures whenever I see you, I expect a dance with Little Miss I should she ever get married, and childhood stories will be told to any significant other. Sorry kids, it's all part of my job description.

On Appreciation

You never know quite what you have until it's gone. I thought I had all ready learned that lesson last year, really DID NOT need the remedial course.

I remember being afraid of Eva developing feelings for me, thinking I did not deserve a second chance. That she could do so much better.

I remember feeling terrified and simultaneously amazed that Daybreak would adopt me as her dad and that I would come to think of her as my own.

Slowly but surely, these two carved out a home in my heart. So when Eva told me we should stop seeing each other, it was like my world stopped. My heart pounded and my eyes widened as I tried to comprehend why.

Yet despite how horrible I felt and still do, I almost hissed a negative response when asked if I regretted dating her in first place.

From her using my legs as a pillow while we studied, to picnic lunches in the park and lazing the day away playing, to the days I would keep an eye on Daybreak while Eva worked, to teasing each other like a family would, the past seven months have been some of the happiest of my life and I would not trade them.

One of my greatest fears was that I would do something to screw up this relationship. In the irony that seems to govern my life at times, I did too well trying to prove I could do right by someone and Eva broke up with me before we got too close for lasting damage.

My simple response was, "it's too late for that hun."

So Internet, I turn to you in my time of need. Especially those of who you are single parents or have dated them.

Is it OK to be selfish and want this to work even after she broke up with me? Or should I just try and be her friend? I'm at a lost here as I want so badly to just say screw it and kiss her senseless the next time I see her. I probably won't (not saying never as I know how my emotions take over at times) but it won't be for lack of desire to.

I know when to admit that I'm in over my head. Now is most definitely one of those times.

To Teach And Never Be Weary

"Mr. Kendall?"

"Yes Lulu?"

"Why do you want to be a teacher?"

20 sets of eyes looked to me for my answer, 19 from their spots on the floor and the last from Frizzle as she did paperwork on her desk. Reading circle

I looked over to the left and asked Skittles, a small and rather outspoken girl, if she remembered when she hugged me after I helped her with her reading. She nodded but was still confused as to where I was going with this.

That moment when she could move from letters to syllables to words to sentences with increasing confidence was what destroyed any doubts I had that teaching was what I wanted to do with my life. I always knew I wanted a career that could help people in some way, shape, or form. I just wasn't entirely sure what that would be.

Helping a child reach their heights and move on beyond them has become my goal. And I am nothing if not single-mindedly determined when I set my mind to something. I have never wanted a job where it is the same thing every day and this is something where I'm guaranteed to be doing something different.

I remember a professor of mine once saying that teaching is a draining profession. That you give and give with nothing in return until you are but a husk of your former self.

I disagree with this view emphatically.

I see a teacher as one who does continually give of themselves yes, however, we are given something in return besides an unappreciative salary. To know you had a hand, however small, in someone else's success is an amazing feeling and one I hope I never feel numb to.

I'll find another line of work when that happens.

Is this going to be difficult?

Yes but often times the most worthwhile things in life are.



And if they aren't worthwhile, I don't know who is.

Wednesday Workshop: The Day My World Stood Still

It's that time again, folks. My assignment from Mama Kat this week goes as follows:

5.) The first time you...

It was tempting to put the story of my first kiss here but I'm not up for embarrassing myself today. I'll just say that I was dense and leave it at that. So instead I chose a day that snowballed events to where they are now.

Most dads consider the first time their child calls them dad or some equivalent one of their landmark moments. I'm no different, even if my moment was unorthodox.

5...4...3...2...1...

It was Eva's backyard; she, Daybreak, and I were sitting on a blanket in the grass. Me and Eva had our psych notes out quizzing each other, while Daybreak used my back as a steady for her colouring book. I was about to ask her what the signs of sociopathy in children are when Daybreak says clearly, "Papa, can you move? You're not in the Sun."

I froze. Eva looked to the small blond perched on my back. "Daybreak, who are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about Papa."

"Daybreak, I'm not your papa."

She moved to sit down in front of us and tilted her head to the side. "Why not?"

Her mom took up the explanation when I couldn't. "It doesn't work like that Sweetie. Kendall is our friend. "

The first bits of tears were welling up in her eyes. And with every one, my heart hurt just a little bit more.

She looked me in the eye and asked why I didn't want her either. I sat up and hugged her. "I can only be your friend because you deserve a much better papa than me. You deserve the best."

Small arms wrapped around my neck as she started to cry in earnest. I heard her mumble "really?" into my shoulder. Eva was stroking her back and as I was telling Daybreak yes I noticed Eva giving me a strange look.

She ended up crying herself to sleep that afternoon.

That was the middle of April. I was terrified that this little girl adored me so much that she would want me to be her dad. A little tidbit about me folks, I more often think with my heart than my head and I love people quickly. This was no different.

I told Daybreak she deserved better than me. That makes my job simple to figure out.

I have to become better.

Basking in the Afterglow

Well, that caps the end to another wonderful Halloween. I hope everyone enjoyed themselves with whatever (if any) plans they made. Before I get to the good parts of my own recap, I have a question. Why is it we no longer have flashlights while trick-or-treating? Seriously folks? Eva and Daybreak were both in white costumes and we still had a flashlight while I carried a glow stick around my neck. It would seem like common sense should dictate...

dark costume = the thought that I need something to show people I'm here.

I was carrying a sleeping Daybreak when we saw the blue lights of police sirens. As we got closer, we could see a man being given CPR on the curb while three feet ahead a truck had wrapped its front end around a stop sign. Safety first, folks.

Aside from hoping that man would be OK though, our night was fantastic. Although I did have a mild panic attack.

We were making one of our last house stops when we notice Daybreak is getting sleepy. Since my car was still a few blocks away, I just held her as we walked. One woman, in her late 20s at the oldest, sees me with a little girl in a ballerina costume with a woman dressed up as a witch with her arm around my waist and laying her head on my shoulder.

Woman: "Aww your daughter is so cute."

Me: (not thinking about what I'm saying) "Yes she is."

Eva: (trying not to laugh) "Thank you Ma'am, but now we need to get her home and to bed."

When she has Daybreak buckled in the booster seat, she finally looks at me and asks, "Your daughter?"

As she voices this question, I had my jester's hat off and was in the process of cleaning the makeup from my face. In a moment that was pure Kendall for the world, I stab the paper towel I was using right in my eye in surprise. I think quickly and when I realize what she is referring to, my eyes widen.

This is not the first time I claimed Daybreak as my daughter without thinking about it. Maybe my subconscious and my heart had claimed her long ago, they were just waiting for my head to catch up. Looking at her small form sleeping, I knew it didn't matter.

I looked Eva dead in the eye, and said. "Yes."

The smile that drew from her was quite simple one of the brightest I had ever seen.

After cleaning up from breakfast this morning, we did a count of how much a haul we scored last night. Eva gave up trying once she got to 200.

Daybreak: "Papa, you're our good luck charm every year now."

Me: "Stick with me Kiddo, and we'll score enough candy to last until the next year."

Daybreak: "Mmm me like. Mommy, can we have some now?"

Eva: "After lunch, yes."

Daybreak: "Awww, that's no fair."

Me: (whisper) "We'll sneak some later."

Eva: "I heard that!"

Ah good times, makes me look forward to next year. Now I need to wait out this sugar rush and then head to my hometown for the weekend. Take care everyone. Please try and avoid the diabeetus.

"When I Get Where I'm Goin'"

With my 21st birthday creeping up on me slowly but surely, I feel like Atlas. With graduation only 46 credits away, I feel like all the air is being sucked from the room. At the risk of sounding like a whiny college student, the future scares the living daylights out of me.

The weird part is that it's not the job market that scares me. I know teachers are needed everywhere and with Teach For America, I shouldn't have too much difficulty making it in the door.

It's not the election. No matter who wins, although I've made it fairly obvious who I voted for, the world will go on either way. Is there very high potential for rough times? Yes but America's a tough old broad and she won't give up without fighting with all the grit she has.

It's not the idea of being independent from my parents that scares me. Emotionally, I've been independent since I was in my early teens. Financially, I have been since about July. So that isn't it either.

In my heart of hearts, the one I hide behind smiles and a seemingly easy-going nature, I know what the problem is. I just hate admitting to it.

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted a family of my own. Despite everything I've seen and gone through, I still want to believe in happily ever after. No matter how much my mind tries to pull life support on that hope, it has yet to die. I'm realizing now that it likely never will.

I was dancing with Daybreak while she stood on my toes when she looks up at me and asks, "when are you and Mommy going to give me a little sister?" I very nearly tripped but caught myself at the last moment. A sister? While I managed to say "I didn't know if that would happen" and act OK on the outside, on the inside was another matter entirely.

While Eva was helping Daybreak change into the new outfits she received for her birthday, Eva's mom pulled me off to the side and asked what my plans were regarding Eva. I had an idea as to where she was going with this but decided to be diplomatic and said I didn't want to move too fast.

She looked at me for a moment before telling me, in an almost chiding tone, not to let fear rule me. Before I could even ask what she was talking about, she told me to think about it then strode off to talk with Eva's older sisters who were sipping wine coolers.

When I was changing into my clown costume later that day, I found a single index card in my pocket. In Eva's mother's handwriting, it said:

"Do not be afraid to live, to laugh and to love. My daughter and my granddaughter both trust you so trust in yourself to have the strength to follow your heart. It won't lead you astray.

Know that if and when the time comes, you have my blessing."

Earlier this morning, Eva was curled up against my side while Daybreak was using my chest as a pillow. And looking at them, I realize I do treat them like family. I felt Eva move closer and smiled.

Do I know where I'll be in the unknown future?

No.

And thinking back to the morning, of watching two of the most important people in my life sleeping...the unknown doesn't seem so ominous anymore.

Quite honestly, I'm...dare I say it...looking forward to what tomorrow brings.