That First Kiss (or The One Where He Proves How Stupid He Really Is)

This is my submission for the 20SB January Blog Carnival.

"We are starting off the New Year thinking all about "firsts."

So, tell us about your first kiss! Sloppy, magical, awkward, non-existent? Spill it!"

Oh, Internet, the things I put myself through for your entertainment.

Let us go back to January 2007, to a time when me and Tinkerbell are not dating yet. Actually at this point neither has admitted out loud to liking the other. We are on the hallway of her floor as she has (for 2,502,713th time) stolen my cell phone. In a moment of what I thought was brilliance I held her wrists while reaching for the phone.

"I bet I can get you to let go of me."

"How is that?"

Now I had assumed she meant kneeing me in the stomach so I prepared to move out of the way. I obviously had forgotten just who exactly I was dealing with and a lesson around Tinkerbell is to always always ALWAYS expect the unexpected. Before I really knew what was happening, she had leaned up and kissed me.

Folks if anyone had taken a picture of us at that moment here's what they would have seen.

Me with the single most pole-axed look I think I had ever had in my life and one hand absently touching my lips.

Tinkerbell with a smug grin on her face as she stepped out of my loose grip.

Because I was convinced there was no way she could like me in that way, I reasoned to myself she was merely playing around. Despite the fact that EVERY. LAST. ONE. of our friends told us to stop going in circles and start dating. Hell, one mutual friend actually refused to speak to us until we had started dating.

God, I was such an utterly clueless bastard.

But wait, it gets better.

Now I had been too surprised (which I want to beat myself for in hindsight) to kiss her back but my chance came about a week and a half later. She had walked me down to my floor as my knee had decided it wanted to be a bitch and was thus concerned I would fall down the steps. Now what she could have really done if I had aside from calling 911 I don't know but it's the thought that counts right?

Anyway, I digress.

So we're standing outside the door and I looked at her and now knowing that she did like me I decided 'to hell with it' and kissed her. I don't know about fireworks but I was most definitely lightheaded after we broke apart. We were both slightly out of breath and me being who I am just have to say something to ruin the moment.

"[Tinkerbell], what the hell are we?"

Yes, you did read that correctly.

To her credit, she merely laughed at my question instead of slugging me in the face.

Instead she has deigned not to let me live that down two years later.

Le sigh.

Wednesday Workshop: For the Love of a Puppy

It's that time again folks! My assignment from Mama Kat this week goes as follows:

"Tell us about your pet! If you have a weird infatuation with your dog or cat we want to hear about it (or if they just plain drive you crazy) But please don't compare them to children, it's just not the same."

5...4...3...2...1...

Back in September 2008, me, Marilyn, and Scarlett visited the local animal shelter as they were looking to adopt a kitten. I found myself wandering over to the puppies when I heard a high-pitched bark. My gaze traveled down and my eyes locked onto this tiny chocolate lab puppy. She nudged a nearby rubber pall to the edge of her pen then looked back up at me with her tail just waving away.

I would spend the next half hour playing with her. It was like playing with a chipmunk on speed. Then once she was napping on her side, tuckered out from all the excitement, I talked to the volunteer working about how much it would be to adopt her.

The next day, I came home with about 10 pounds of hyped-up puppy. Later that night, it would be Tinkerbell who suggested the name Faith for her.

While I had had dogs my entire life with the exception of when I lived in a dorm, this was the first time I had ever owned a dog that was inside a majority of the time. Paper training has been an ordeal but she's getting there even if there are still accidents on occasion. Like the one on the kitchen floor last night.

I've taught her to sit, stay, roll over, play dead, shake, and come to me.

And I've noticed in the months she's been here that Faith has developed a list of rather funny personality quirks.

Whenever she smells me cooking food, she will hop from the floor, to a chair to watch. The chair that oh so conveniently happens to face her food and water bowls. As if saying, 'when are you going to stop being a selfish bastard and feed the important one here?'

A phone ringing scares the hell out of her. I'm not even exaggerating. Normally I have my cell phone on vibrate as I don't feel like paying for a ringtone and I had the ones this phone came with. So when The Bait's rings or mine does, Faith will start to roll all over the place. If the phone is actually near her, she'll approach it, put a paw out, and then jump back like it's about to bite her on the nose.

In Faith's eyes, ANYTHING PURPLE MUST DIE. I had bought her two pillows for her bed/basket that were a deep purple colour right before Christmas. They were ripped to shreds before the week was out. I bought another of the same colour that met a similar fate. I think I've learned the lesson. No Purple. Ever.

Like most Labradors, Faith is very friendly. When she meets a new person she will follow this formula without fail. One, pace around the legs, sniffing and making little -yip- noises. Two, if they meet her approval she'll cozy up against them. Most people at this point reach down to pet her and as they do she will reach a paw up for them to shake while tilting her head. It's adorable.

On the other hand, she also seems to get a perverse sense of pleasure out of annoying The Bait. Things she has done off the top of my head include stealing his shoes, waking him up by licking inside his ear, decided that the mopped kitchen floor was a great slide and using it to slide-tackle him, and as he puts it "just being a nuisance". Despite how much he claims to dislike Faith and petition me to get her exorcised (not seriously), he does care about her as evidenced by the fact that he bought her a new pillow for her bed and a rubber penguin to play with. Said penguin has since been humped, wrestled with, and chewed six ways from Sunday.

Despite Faith having always loved Daybreak, as said child will feed her table scraps when she thinks me and her mom aren't looking, there was a period of time where Faith did not like Eva. Well maybe not so much as disliking her as her acting jealous. If me and Eva ever tried to kiss, Faith would rocket her little legs to nip that moment in the bud. She has since gotten over this issue thankfully.

My puppy is a weird little thing, at which I wonder whether she was always that way or if I just rubbed off on her. She may be exasperating at times but like pretty much every woman in my life has me totally wrapped around her finger...or paw in this case.

I learned that this puppy, who liked me upon sight, had been rather horribly abused by her previous owners. She was slowly recovering from malnourishment (and still is) and her left hind leg had been so injured that it limps. This is the same puppy who gave me the most sorrowful look when I left. The same puppy who barrels into my legs when I get home because she is so happy to see me walk through that door.

I don't regret giving her a home for a moment.

The Odd Duck's Adventures in Boston Part II

Oh, where to start?

Well I did make it to Boston Harbour and the famous Beacon Street and at that point.

I know most people need maps but I really can't stand the things while walking. I love immersing myself in a new city and today was no exception. Bostonians, I have a whole new appreciation for seafood as a result of this weekend. Especially clam chowder.

Mmm, chowder.

Er, sorry 'bout that.

I also never realized just how noticeable my accent was. The cashier told me that she had thought I was a native until I opened my mouth. I speak with a slight drawl, not really something I bother to hide unless I'm speaking Spanish.

So anyways, a big part of my day was Abi and Abo (Mami's parents and who have adopted me as a grandson since I was 12) insisting that Mami bring me by and Abi would make a big breakfast to celebrate my 21st birthday (weeks before the actual date). Three of Mami's sisters showed up for the event which was great as aside from the youngest, I hadn't seen any of them since 2003.

I was a few months shy of 15, and like many a shy teenage boy I got flustered whenever a pretty girl/woman talked to me. And I can say with no feeling of squick, that all of Mami's sisters (even Mami) are pretty bordering on gorgeous. Thankfully I was older this time and could just easily deflect their teasing.

Yes I was shy at one point.

You can hold your shock, thank you very much.

As for the actual meal, if nothing else then Abi proved that I had decades before I could claim the title of a good cook. I was humbled. Completely.

French toast with strawberry topping and powdered sugar.

Scrambled eggs.

Boiled sausage.

And all in humongous portions as this family can eat. I got jabbed none too gently with a fork by Mami's youngest older sister when I made the joke that one could have lost a hand in that anarchy.

All in all it was a wonderful quasi-surprise.

I hit the road after that for a trip filled with me singing like I was trying to win American Idol, changing a spare tire, and learning that I still have a filthy mouth when pushed. And folks, driving 45 on the interstate most definitely counts as being pushed.

Now I'm back home where I was mobbed by my puppy as soon as I picked her up from Marilyn and Scarlett. I'm back where the weather is above 30 degress.

I'm happy to be back.

On second thought, classes start back up Tuesday.

That happy feeling? Yeah, it just went down the crapper.

Boston, I miss you.

The Odd Duck's Adventures in Boston Part I

As some of you know, I packed up my car, filled the tank, and hit the road for Boston Friday at like 3 in the morning. I had my mapquest directions in hand, the iPod was playing a steady stream of music, and there was barely any traffic.

Folks, anyone who tells you that driving isn't tiring is lying through their crooked teeth. It took me about 12 and a half hours to make it here and by the time I did, I was nearly exhausted.

For those of you who have been reading more than a few weeks, you know I have no problems striking up conversations with strangers. You would be surprised how some people open up when asked.

I stopped in Hartford, CT for gas yesterday afternoon and spend maybe 20 minutes speaking with two women a few years older than me about the city and they in turn grilled me about where I was from as I marked myself a Southerner the moment "y'all" slipped out my mouth. They even told me a faster way to make it back to the highway as I was a bit turned around.

I checked into a Holiday Inn here around 6 and called R to tell her I made it and would meet her at her office to go surprise Mami. The plan was that R would lead Mami outside to the car with R covering her eyes where I would be waiting. They came outside with Little Miss I and Little Mister G in Mami's arms and when her eyes landed on me, I could only watch in amusement as the babies were handed off to R so Mami could do her level best to squeeze the life out of me.

She doesn't know I noticed, but I could see the dampness on her cheeks.

I was then introduced to my godchildren and although Little Mister G stayed asleep, Little Miss I was curious and stared at me with wide brown eyes. I gave her my finger which she immediately latched onto and squirmed with an odd cooing sound, not quite giggling, as I rubbed my nose against hers in an eskimo kiss.

I demanded offered to make dinner for everyone as I knew they were exhausted from work on R's part and taking care of two newborns, fresh from the hospital. Chicken fajitas were the order of the day which was more difficult than anticipated with Little Mister G deciding my shirt needed decoration and throwing up on my chest. Thankfully years of dealing with baby cousins had taught me a few things and one is to always ALWAYS have a change of clothes handy.

Letting them go to sleep, I caught a taxi back to my hotel (my first time ever doing so) and was knocked out as soon as my head hit the pillows.

So far I've taken this morning to explore the city as I've all ready been to Acorn Street, Trinity Church, and parts of MIT's campus. I feel flashbacks to Italy as I am just wandering around, occasionally asking people about the buildings around me. I think my next stop of interest is Boston harbour and then finding some breakfast. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.

Well folks I shall be signing off now as I am writing this outside of a cafe downtown. I'll be back either tonight or tomorrow with part two of my adventures here.

Happy trails!

Her Christmas Wish

Before I tell this story, I need to give you folks a bit of background info about Daybreak's shall we say...suspicious nature. She has been asking if Santa Claus is really real since yesterday when one of the kids she goes to preschool with made her cry by yelling at her that there was no such person. Little brat. So when she asked if we could go to the mall for her to see Santa we were, needless to say, a bit surprised and a bit more confused. You would think we knew by now that we were in for craziness.

With my fingers slightly numb -- from shopping bags, not the weather -- me and Eva watched as Daybreak tentatively approached her goal. I would not have been surprised to find little beads of sweat peppered across her forehead. She stopped a few feet short and wide green eyes turned to me and her mom with a classic deer-in-the-headlights expression. She shook her head and ran back into Eva's legs.

Eva: "What's wrong Daybreak?"
Daybreak: "I'm scared."
Me: "Of what?"
Daybreak: *mumbles*
Eva: "Speak up, I can't hear you when you talk into your coat."
Daybreak: "What if...what if he doesn't like me?"
Me: "He's Santa Sweetie, if he liked me as a kid then you are a shoe in for the nice list."
Daybreak: "Really?"
Me: "Cross my heart and hope to drink milk."
Daybreak: "I believe you. OK, I am going to talk to Santa."

She frowns in determination and strides forward, looking as if she were marching to war instead of telling the mall Santa what she wanted for Christmas. Me and Eva can't look at each other because we know we'd crack up laughing if that happened.

Santa: "So little miss, have you been a good girl this year?"
Daybreak: "I think so. Although my mommy says I'm per--pre--precoash..."
Santa: "Precocious?"
Daybreak: "Yes! Wow you're smart Santa."
Santa: "Why thank you."
Daybreak: "You're welcome. So since I've been good does that mean I get to tell you what I want?"
Santa: "Yes I do believe it does."
Daybreak: "Goody. I only have one thing to ask you for..."

And this point she leans into his ear and starts whispering while looking back at us every few moments. Finally, she gets off his lap and heads over to mingle with the group of kids playing and sucking on free candy canes. Seeing as how Daybreak was the last child at the moment, the Santa waved us over.

Santa: "Do you know what she wanted?"
Eva: "Considering how she kept looking back at us, I'm assuming we're involved somehow. But for the life of me, I don't know."
Me: "Me neither."
Santa: "She told me that all she wanted was for her 'Mommy' and 'Papa', you two, to be with her on Christmas morning. She told me that if that happened, then she knew I really must be real."
Me: "Since we planned on being together for Christmas that is no problem."
Santa: "Good. Listen I've done this for about 15 years and I've talked to a lot of kids. The ones who don't want some new toy or the like are few and far between. Don't disappoint her."
Eva: "We won't. Merry Christmas Santa."
Me: "Merry Christmas Mr. Kringle."
Santa: "And a merry Christmas to you both as well. Remember, 'he knows.'"

I'll Take the Minefield for $200, Alex

I'm looking after Daybreak today while Eva is working and I thought I'd share a little conversation we had before she laid down for a nap. The munchkin was tuckered out after watching X-Men (she has said Hugh Jackman will be her husband one day) and us working on building a LEGO castle.

Daybreak: So you and Mommy are going dancing?

Me: Yes Sweetie.

Daybreak: You and Mommy have been together six months right?

Me: Almost. Monday will make six months.

Daybreak: So when am I going to get a baby sister?

Me: I think you're child enough for both of us Daybreak.

Daybreak: What's taking so long? I've been waiting practically forever.

Me: Daybreak, you're four. It's not like you're an old maid.

Daybreak: But...but...fine. Can you two at least get married? You love Mommy and Mommy loves you, what's the hold up?

At this point, I can't keep a straight face any longer and am nearly crying from laughter. Daybreak got very put out and decided I deserved to be tickled for laughing at her serious concerns.

I swear that I act my age sometimes.

Now I'm going to get some homework done before my ball of energy and questions wakes back up.

Hope y'all have a fabulous weekend.

Wednesday Workshop: Two For One Special, That'll Be $4.78 Please

Hey folks, it's that time again. Because I am so dull awesome, I'm going to be doing two prompts this week. The first of this week's prompts from Mama Kat is

4.) Write about something that bothered you this week.

5...4...3...2...1...

I am not close to either of my parents. I never have been and I doubt I ever really will be. My mom worked all the time and my dad...well he did anything but hang around us. So when my mom had a new job when I was 15 and wanted to spend time with me, I was really really jaded towards her. Still am, I suppose. We've made progress since then but she is not someone I go to with my problems.

So with Thanksgiving coming up I needed to finalize my plans. I called her before heading to my first graders this morning where she kind of started to give me the fifth degree because I wouldn't be getting there until Thursday morning and don't plan to stay any longer than Saturday afternoon.

She asked me why I couldn't come home Wednesday. I replied that I had a test Wednesday night and would rather not have to drive an hour and a half afterward. And as for me leaving on Saturday, I've learned my lesson about spending too much time there.

I won't go into specifics but my last visit consisted mainly of arguing, tears, and alcohol. Not even necessarily in that order.

Then afterward I feel guilty that I am not staying longer though I know good and well that I'd be miserable. So when my cousins leave, I won't be far behind them. I was actually told I was being childish for not wanting to be around fighting parents.

Maybe I'm just tired of having to be the adult.

==================

To end on a lighthearted note, here's my second prompt:

1.) The last time I laughed really hard...

5...4...3...2...1...

After Bio lecture had let out, I met The Pop Queen in the building and decided to catch up with her while I still had some free time. While we were sitting, this girl who neither of us knew came up to us who I shall refer to as C and started chatting to me.

What was my name?

What was my major?

What I liked to do for fun?

After she's pretty much asked me for my life story, she asks if I would like to come to her sorority's party on Friday night.

Now me being my lovable dense self, I don't realize that this woman has been hitting on me the entire conversation until The Pop Queen has to muffle her laughter in her scarf in order to remain inconspicuous. Once C has left, The Pop Queen fills me in on what I failed to notice.

Later in the night, I get the following test message from The Pop Queen:

"So are you going to that party, because I would feel weird going without you since she just said I could come because you're my bbf (black best friend) and she was pretty hot. Since you're dating [Eva], think you could send her my way? Please and thank you."

Cue laughter. I heart my twin.

And I'm Not Even Blaming My Dog

Dear Internet,

I know. I know. I haven't written anything since Thursday and even that was just passing along the Kreativ Blogger Award. I have an excuse and I promise it's better than any cock-and-bull story you ever told your teachers/parents/bosses/various disappointees.

As some of you may or may not know, I kind of had a packed weekend between Daybreak's 4th birthday party yesterday morning/afternoon at her Grandma's and the Haunted Lab Friday night and last night.


Friday:
7:25 Educational Theory Lecture

9:00 Theater Appreciation - usually a fun class as there is a lot of improv but this was mostly a lecture day. I ended up surfing the internet instead of listening. Oops. Did watch the last two acts of Medea though. All throughout, "Cruella De Vil" was playing through my head.

12:00-3:30: In the Lab building, making a maze, hanging plastic to block off hallways, decorating each individual scene. I have never had to move so many tables in my life.

3:30-4:30: Me and The Ginger hit up places like the mall, Wal Mart, Target, trying to sell ourselves. The Ginger got hit on. As she was wearing a short white dress with a good bit of cleavage showing, she was hit on a lot. She was pissed; I was amused.

4:30-5:00: Eat a free chick fil-a sandwich and change into costumes, I practice with the chainsaw so I can start it within 20 seconds easily.

5:30-10:30: Showtime!

11:00: get home, catch up on missed calls, shower, then bed

Saturday

7:30-9: I make Daybreak a batch of cupcakes for her birthday then meet her and Eva for breakfast at Perkin's in Durham. Yet again, I am the only black person in the joint. Eva makes many jokes at this. After that we hit the road for Eva's mom's place for the party.

9:30: Road trip to Eva's mom's for the party.

10:30-3:30: Arrive, help set up, the most hilarious game of duck-duck-goose ever, food, cake, presents, everyone mingles outside on the deck, at this point I have to head back for the second night of the haunted house.

5:00: Back in costume, chainsaw primed and ready, looking forward to chasing screamers across the parking lot again

7:24: I am chasing a woman down the sidewalk when I fail to the notice a puddle. My right leg slides inward and I hit the ground. Hard. End up spraining the knee. To my further embarrassment, this is caught on tape.

8:00: I have found a replacement and taught him what to do. I take over as a tour guide for the portion of our haunted house taking place in the woods. My basic job was to make my group of 10-15 people more paranoid than they all ready were. Judging by the shrieks and scattering later, I think I did my job well.

10:00: We pack it in for the night and we get to hear our total earnings for both nights. Over two grand, folks! That means we had over 400 people come through which is amazing.

10:30: We're all hungry so we take about seven cars and basically take over the local Chico's until 12 when we're pretty much kicked out.

12:30: Finally home. Shower immediately then straight to bed.


Best quotes of the weekend:

M: What's up negro...oh snap, you really are black! My bad, my bad.

K: (the most deadpan voice ever) Oh no, I been bit.

Me: (after hearing one girl say the haunted house wasn't so bad) We'll see about that. (run from my hiding spot with chainsaw in hand, scattering and screaming ensue)

Scared Girl: I'm not scared. I'm not scared.
Me (walking behind her with the chainsaw in the parking lot) Then why are you walking so fast?
Scared Girl: I'm not scared! (I rev the motor) AHHHHH! (takes off)

Me: We need to hit up Wal-Mart.
The Ginger: Why?
Me: Because there is no other place as scary. Just think of the mullets.

Daybreak: Papa, when are you and Mommy going to give me a little sister?

Eva(dancing with me at the party): I'm surprised Daybreak let me have you to myself for a few minutes.
Me: Your mom is excellent distraction.
Eva: Amen to that.

Shaner: Our MVP of the night, the man who had us laughing our asses off as he took off after people with a chainsaw. He made one man twice his size run to his car and lock himself in. Our psycho clown, Kendall A---.
Me: (standing up in the restaurant) You like me. (wipes away a fake tear) You really do like me.

So see Internet, I have a perfectly viable excuse for the lack of updates the last few days.

Better than saying "my dog ate them".

Marching to the beat of my own drum,

- Kendall (The Odd Duck)

My Weekend: The Abridged Version

I hope you folks have enjoyed your weekends thus far and have tried not to get too shitfaced. Here was my weekend in short scenes.

Scene 1: On the bus back from Schoolhouse Rock
Skittles: (horribly off key) "CONJUNCTION! JUNCTION! What's your function?!"
WG: (holding her hand over her eyes) "I'll conjunction your function if you don't stop."

Later...
Frizzle: "I have very good news for all of you."
"We're getting a pony!"
"Barney's coming here!"
"The aliens are here!"
Frizzle: "Umm...no. You all said you hoped Kendall could stay with us. Well he is."
Skittles: "Yay, we get to keep our Kendall!"
Me: "I didn't know I was a pet, little one."
Skittles: "I don't know. You'd be cute with a pink collar. Are you paper trained yet? Have you had your shots?"

Scene 2: State Fair
Imogen: "So what do y'all want to do first?"
Eva: "We're getting on the Ferris Wheel. Someone has never been on one."
Ruth: "What kind of sheltered soul has never been on a Ferris Wheel?"
Daybreak: "Papa?"
Imogen/Ruth: "We should have known."
Me: "Nuh uh, more like the kind of sheltered soul that doesn't come to your waist and is afraid of heights."
Eva: "She has always kicked a fit when I would try and get her to."
Imogen: "So she tried to buck the blame to Kendall?"
Me: "Yep."
Ruth: "This child is becoming more like you every day."
Me: "Scary isn't it?"

Scene 3: Watching movies at Eva's apartment
Eva: "Daybreak, what are you doing?"
Daybreak: "Gettin' comftable."
Eva: "Comfortable means crawling into Kendall's hoodie like a kangaroo?"
Daybreak: "Yes Mommy."
Me: "Apparently I'm warm."
Daybreak: "He's a teddy that hugs back."
Eva: "Beaten out by my own daughter, I see how it is."
Me: "Daybreak, since I can't see past the mass of blond hair in front of my mouth, how about we all just share a blanket?"
Daybreak: (taps her chin through my hoodie) "I s'pose."
Eva: "This way we both get to use Kendall's heat."

Scene 4: Church with The Bait and Pippi
The Bait: "I still think I'm onto something."
Me: "We're not exorcising Faith, end of story."
The Bait: "She's evil."
Pippi: "How do you figure? Faith's the cutest puppy ever."
The Bait: "You only say that because she doesn't enjoy tormenting you. That dog is evil."
Me: (laughing) "That makes her evil?"
The Bait: "What would you call it?"
Me: "Knowing when I've found an easy target and milking them for all their worth."

Conversations With Dolly: A Sweet Republican

Dolly: "So Kendall, who are you voting for?"

Me: "Ok Dear, let's look at this logically. I am very, very, very liberal. To the point that many democrats think I'm radical. I despise Baby Bush and his posse with every fibre of my being. I think Sarah Palin should have her vagina revoked and then studied to determine its authenticity. Now would you like to ask me this question again?"

The Diva: "You forgot to mention you were black."

Me: "No I didn't, that would just be overkill though."

Dolly: "So you wouldn't wear one of my McCain buttons?"

Me: "Dear, were you not a friend whom I love dearly, I would probably burn it. As you are my friend, I will just politely decline."

Dolly: "So I get special treatment because I'm your friend?"

Me: "Isn't that how the world's always worked?"

And People Say Politics Aren't Funny

Since I would like a slight break from studying, I decided to share this with y'all.

I make no secret of the fact that I dislike Sarah Palin. I can admit with complete honesty that I actually like Baby Bush more than I like her. So when I found this on Sarah Nielson's blog (who you should check out post haste at sarahnielson.com) I nearly cried laughing.

Start laughing yourself here.

Just For You Mindy

Would you like some?

(I had to do it.)

Of Seeds And Swallowing

Today Frizzle thought it would be beneficial to ask the class where they thought babies come from. Let the hilarity ensue!

"There's this giant cabbage patch that picks up the orders from mommies and daddies. Then a seed as big as I am turns into a baby."
"How does the baby get to the mom and dad then?"
"I don't know, the mailman I guess."
"That's stupid!"
"OOOOOOOOH! I'm tellin'! Mrs. Frizzle, he said a bad word!"

"The stork!" - 14 kids gave this answer, when I was 6 I largely knew that babies at least came from their mom's stomach. I had no idea what the vagina was. Which leads me to a rather mortifying story.

I walked into my parents' room as a child of about six or seven to find my dad had left a porn on. I was entranced. Best part was I distinctly remember seeing a woman giving a guy a blowjob. Now keep in my mind I was a child and had no idea what sperm was, so when I saw some kind of juice running down her lips I came to my natural conclusion...

"Mom, do you swallow Dad's pee too?"

Were you told one of the baby myths or did your parents tell you relatively straight? Please do share.

Mmm Brains...

63%

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Dating Site

So according to this, I have a 63% chance of surviving a zombie apocalypse. For once, the black guy may not die. Before anyone says it; no, Night of the Living Dead doesn't count. He still dies, just not from zombies.

VP Debate

I finally had a chance to watch the debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin. Yes, I know. I'm a horrible person for taking this long. Then later, I saw this.

A new hero rises in America: Tina Fey, ladies and gentlemen. Exposing idiocy one governor at a time.

Ah, election time is sweet.

3 AM Humour

Faith has only lived with me and The Bait for about a week and a half and in that time she has firmly established her place in the pecking order. Basically, we are her pets and she only keeps us around to entertain her and keep her fed.

However, my puppy seems to take a sadistic pleasure in finding ways to piss off The Bait. Such as the Alarm Incident. She snuck into his room a few minutes before the normal time his clock went off and lies in wait on his desk. The moment his alarm starts blaring, she dives and headbutts him. Hard.

I scold her but then she whimpers and looks up at me with sad puppy eyes. I melt every single time. Yeah, my dog owns me.



Faith stalking her prey, The Bait. She smells the bacon. She wants it. And she will have it.

(Caption courtesy of icanhascheezburger.com)